Well, I have done it again. It seems miraculous! I'm down 1.2 lbs this week to make me a not-so-obese 224.2. Victory! In case you've forgotten, my mini-goal is to be under 220 for our May vacation. This gives me 20 days to lose 4.3 lbs, which is just about 1.5 lbs a week. It's a tall order, but not unreasonable, so I hope I can make it.
Now onto the good stuff...
Today I did something that I have never done. Never. Never ever, as in, never in my whole life. Are you ready?
I threw away half of a brownie.
I know, folks...I know. Try to breathe. Breeeeeathe.
Here's what happened. I had an awesome day today for reasons I can't quite go into yet lest it backfire on me. But anyway, it was a good day. So what did I do? Well, I decided that I was going to give myself a food treat. (Which, by the way, I think is perfectly, perfectly acceptable. It's no more damaging to treat yourself with a cookie than it is to treat yourself with a massage. I just don't see food as my enemy anymore.) I went to a Borders that was by the spa where I get my pedicures - another exciting part of my day. I LOVE my monthly pedicures! I planned on reading, but I definitely wanted a chocolate-y pastry of some sort first.
When I got up to the register, the brownies looked more chocolate-y and yummier than the cookies, so I went with that. Oh, but before I go into my brownie experience, let me tell you what I witnessed. There was a very homely, kind of wreck-y, older woman in front of me ordering a latte. The boy at the counter asked if she wanted regular or sugar-free syrup. The woman contemplated this for a moment and then, with a huge sigh, said mournfully, "Ohhhh...I'll go with regular........" And kind of trailed off. It was so weird. Then he asked if she wanted full-fat, 2%, or skim milk. She did the same sigh and again in a said, forlorn voice, said, "Ohhhhh....full-fat, I guess......" Pause. "Sometimes you just have to go all the way to get the flavor...." Sigh. It was like listening to Eeyore. Seriously. Just order your sugary, fatty drink and own it. Period. If you want it, you want it. Just drink it. If you feel that guilty about it, then don't. It'll just torture you later. And don't make excuses for what's going in your mouth to perfect strangers. That's a sure sign you're going to hate yourself in about 15 minutes when all that's left are the crumbs.
So ANYWAY. I marched up to the couter and said, "I want that brownie right there," and I pointed to the one that was the biggest and had the most chocolate chunks in the top. When the boy gave me my bag I was pleased to feel the heft - this was going to be a spectacular brownie.
I went and found a chair in a quiet corner where I could enjoy my newly-purchased yumminess and read a magazine. The first thing I noticed when I took the brownie out of the bag was that it was slippery. That might gross some people out, but to me, slippery = buttery, so I was excited. (Hey, I like butter. I was almost 300 pounds last year...of course I like butter.) I couldn't wait to bite into it and get a buttery, chunky mouthful.
Well.
What I got was a lard-y, completely unchunky mouthful. Those chocolate "chunks" on top were deceiving because they were paper thin, and that brownie tasted like goddamn Crisco. I took one more bite to make sure my mouth wasn't playing a trick on me; when I got that lard taste again, I knew I had to stop.
But here's what's weird. A few months ago I would have just kept eating that brownie, lard or not. I would've justified it by telling myself I paid for it, so I shouldn't waste it. (A whopping $2.09!!! *GASP* There are starving children in China! Whatever. It's two bucks, not a life's fortune.) I would've eaten the whole damn thing, and then afterward I would have been totally and completely disgusted. I would have been full of Crisco and I would have hated myself, but I still would have eaten it. Because that's what food addicts do - we eat food that's dropped on the floor, that's too salty, that's too bland, that's too cold, that's too hot. We have no discrimination whatsoever. It's food? Then it belongs in our stomachs. Period.
Not anymore, folks. Because I threw away half a brownie today.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Almost Forgot!
Friday came and went and I forgot to post the results of my weigh-in! I am down to 225.4; that's 72.8 lbs down from my high weight of 298.2 Ain't that some sh*t.
You know, it's funny...I never realized how crappy I felt when I weighed that much. I didn't notice it until after I'd lost about 30 pounds. Then I kept thinking to myself, Good Lord...you were a mess.
I couldn't walk up the stairs without getting winded or having the muscles in my legs hurt. I'm not talking about a lot of steps, either - I'm talking about the 15 or so that are in our house. At one of the hospitals where I worked, there was a shuttle to take you from the parking lot to the hospital entrance. I took that shuttle every day. I would wait 15 minutes for it if I had to but I certainly wouldn't think of walking, because if I did I would be sweaty by the time I got to the door, even if it was 50 degrees out. Now when I'm at work (at a different facility), and the guy in the tram stops as I'm walking to the door - a good 10-minute walk, by the way - I tell him, "No, it's okay, I'll walk." And I'm so grateful for the exercise and the fresh air, and I'm so happy that my body can do it. It's as if I know that I can do it, so I should. And that's so awesome.
Some of my shoes used to hurt my feet. I told myself that they were lousy shoes, but really it was just that either 1) my feet had gotten too chunky for them or 2) there was just too much damn weight pressing down to wear those shoes and be comfortable. Try teetering around on 3.5-inch Kate Spade high heels when you're almost 300 pounds. The heels of those shoes are tiny little areas...I don't think they're meant to support that much weight. I'm picturing a stick trying to support a boulder... I wonder why they didn't snap in half. (Now they feel wonderful. You get what you pay for!)
I had a bag of clothes I was going to donate, and I added to the bag weekly. Shirts that were too short, too small, too "tuggy", or "just not right anymore". I kept marveling over how they'd all shrunk in the dryer somehow, despite the fact that I'd been washing and drying them for months. But all of a sudden they shrunk. Of course. That had to be it, because it definitely couldn't have been the fact that I was just too fat to wear them anymore.
The lies we tell ourselves...man. We're so self-protective sometimes that it's astonishing. Anyone on the outside would be saying, "Psst, Nicole...the reason you can't fit into that large t-shirt is because you weigh 300 pounds. You need an extra large, darling." But I was saying, "No, really! Gap is just making their clothes smaller!!!"
Amazing.
Happy weekend!!! :D
You know, it's funny...I never realized how crappy I felt when I weighed that much. I didn't notice it until after I'd lost about 30 pounds. Then I kept thinking to myself, Good Lord...you were a mess.
I couldn't walk up the stairs without getting winded or having the muscles in my legs hurt. I'm not talking about a lot of steps, either - I'm talking about the 15 or so that are in our house. At one of the hospitals where I worked, there was a shuttle to take you from the parking lot to the hospital entrance. I took that shuttle every day. I would wait 15 minutes for it if I had to but I certainly wouldn't think of walking, because if I did I would be sweaty by the time I got to the door, even if it was 50 degrees out. Now when I'm at work (at a different facility), and the guy in the tram stops as I'm walking to the door - a good 10-minute walk, by the way - I tell him, "No, it's okay, I'll walk." And I'm so grateful for the exercise and the fresh air, and I'm so happy that my body can do it. It's as if I know that I can do it, so I should. And that's so awesome.
Some of my shoes used to hurt my feet. I told myself that they were lousy shoes, but really it was just that either 1) my feet had gotten too chunky for them or 2) there was just too much damn weight pressing down to wear those shoes and be comfortable. Try teetering around on 3.5-inch Kate Spade high heels when you're almost 300 pounds. The heels of those shoes are tiny little areas...I don't think they're meant to support that much weight. I'm picturing a stick trying to support a boulder... I wonder why they didn't snap in half. (Now they feel wonderful. You get what you pay for!)
I had a bag of clothes I was going to donate, and I added to the bag weekly. Shirts that were too short, too small, too "tuggy", or "just not right anymore". I kept marveling over how they'd all shrunk in the dryer somehow, despite the fact that I'd been washing and drying them for months. But all of a sudden they shrunk. Of course. That had to be it, because it definitely couldn't have been the fact that I was just too fat to wear them anymore.
The lies we tell ourselves...man. We're so self-protective sometimes that it's astonishing. Anyone on the outside would be saying, "Psst, Nicole...the reason you can't fit into that large t-shirt is because you weigh 300 pounds. You need an extra large, darling." But I was saying, "No, really! Gap is just making their clothes smaller!!!"
Amazing.
Happy weekend!!! :D
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Ugly Truth
I can't lie to you. I am HUNGRY today. I woke up hungry, which is really not something I ever do. I usually wake up just wanting coffee, and the whole breakfast thing doesn't even hit me until about 2 hours later. But today I woke up with a growling stomach. Like, for real.
I'm trying to figure out why but I haven't so far. Hubs and I did go out for dinner last night, and I did leave stuffed, which didn't make me all that happy. But no matter, it's just one meal. The point is, usually when I've had a big dinner I'm even less hungry for breakfast the next day.
Could it be because it's that time of the month? Sure, I suppose. Happens to a lot of women. It has not, however, been something that typically happens to me. I'll find myself wanting certain kinds foods more, like salty things, but I'm not really hungrier. Today though, the hunger is not my friend.
Despite this, I've done very well. I even came home and ran for 30 minutes even though I detested the idea. I had a yummy Purple Monster after working out, and I've got an Amy's Vegetable Lasagna in the oven right now that will be done in 30 minutes. (Our microwave is being shipped. Hallelujah!) This is all wonderful, so let me not tell you that there were maybe two handfuls of sour cream and onion chips (loaded with MSG) in the pantry, and they were screaming my name so loud I thought I was psychotic, so I ate them. Let me not tell you that. It's not going to ruin my day - I keep my calorie count from 1200-1500, and I will end up closer to 1500 today than 1200. So it's not going to kill me. But that behavior...that stupid, instant gratification kind of behavior...I've got work to do.
Damn you, addicted brain!!! Damn you!
(Happy Wednesday!)
------------------------------------------------
The lovely and successful Barbara over at The Pound-a-Week blog was kind enough to comment on my before and after photos. You're super sweet, Barbara. :) Thank you!!! And I'm glad you like it over here in my tiny little blog world, because I like it in yours as well. Thanks for the feel-good comment...you motivated me to post today!
I'm trying to figure out why but I haven't so far. Hubs and I did go out for dinner last night, and I did leave stuffed, which didn't make me all that happy. But no matter, it's just one meal. The point is, usually when I've had a big dinner I'm even less hungry for breakfast the next day.
Could it be because it's that time of the month? Sure, I suppose. Happens to a lot of women. It has not, however, been something that typically happens to me. I'll find myself wanting certain kinds foods more, like salty things, but I'm not really hungrier. Today though, the hunger is not my friend.
Despite this, I've done very well. I even came home and ran for 30 minutes even though I detested the idea. I had a yummy Purple Monster after working out, and I've got an Amy's Vegetable Lasagna in the oven right now that will be done in 30 minutes. (Our microwave is being shipped. Hallelujah!) This is all wonderful, so let me not tell you that there were maybe two handfuls of sour cream and onion chips (loaded with MSG) in the pantry, and they were screaming my name so loud I thought I was psychotic, so I ate them. Let me not tell you that. It's not going to ruin my day - I keep my calorie count from 1200-1500, and I will end up closer to 1500 today than 1200. So it's not going to kill me. But that behavior...that stupid, instant gratification kind of behavior...I've got work to do.
Damn you, addicted brain!!! Damn you!
(Happy Wednesday!)
------------------------------------------------
The lovely and successful Barbara over at The Pound-a-Week blog was kind enough to comment on my before and after photos. You're super sweet, Barbara. :) Thank you!!! And I'm glad you like it over here in my tiny little blog world, because I like it in yours as well. Thanks for the feel-good comment...you motivated me to post today!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Before and After
Okay...before I post these, I just have to say that I can't believe these hideous pictures of me are going to be floating around in cyberspace. LOL I don't think this post needs a whole lots of words, because the pictures surely speak for themselves.
Before:
This picture was actually taken AFTER I started my diet. I think I was about 265 here - July 2009. I almost barfed when I saw this picture. LOL
These pictures were taken 7 months earlier on Christmas Eve, 2008. I was tipping the scales at 298 here, and I'm sure I floated over into the 300 range at some point.
Do you love my fat arm? LOL I've had 4 links taken out of my watch since then.
And that's my beautiful sister with me, though she looks much more foxy today. She's very rock and roll!
And here's the after, at 227.2:
The first three photos are very similar, but I liked them all for different reasons. The first one I liked because it shows my almost-skinny arm holding the camera. LOL The second one I liked because it shows my much skinnier (and stronger!) legs. And the last one shows my great boobs, but the picture quality takes away from that a bit. ;) I had to take them all myself because Hubs wasn't around, so I'm sorry they couldn't be better! I'll have to get some newer ones soon. Definitely when we go on vacation next month - and I have a new mini-goal to be under 220 by then. :)
The last picture was taken maybe 2 or 3 months ago, but there was only a few pounds difference. I thought it was a good pic to show that my face isn't nearly as disgustingly chubbly as it used to be! LOL
Oh, and you know what's awesome? I showed Hubs those before pictures of me, most notably the one of my in the bathing suit. I blew it up really big on my computer too. LOL And you know what he said?
"That's okay, you still looked nice. And look at your boobs!"
While the last comment may be very typical for a man, the first comment is the one that speaks volumes about my husband. He is accepting of so much, and he looks so much deeper than just the physical. And he's gorgeous!!! I think I'll keep him. ;)
4 links out of my watch, 6 inches off the waist of all of my pants, and 4 notches over on my belt. I'm doing okay. :)
Happy weekend!
Before:
This picture was actually taken AFTER I started my diet. I think I was about 265 here - July 2009. I almost barfed when I saw this picture. LOL
These pictures were taken 7 months earlier on Christmas Eve, 2008. I was tipping the scales at 298 here, and I'm sure I floated over into the 300 range at some point.
Do you love my fat arm? LOL I've had 4 links taken out of my watch since then.
And that's my beautiful sister with me, though she looks much more foxy today. She's very rock and roll!
And here's the after, at 227.2:
The last picture was taken maybe 2 or 3 months ago, but there was only a few pounds difference. I thought it was a good pic to show that my face isn't nearly as disgustingly chubbly as it used to be! LOL
Oh, and you know what's awesome? I showed Hubs those before pictures of me, most notably the one of my in the bathing suit. I blew it up really big on my computer too. LOL And you know what he said?
"That's okay, you still looked nice. And look at your boobs!"
While the last comment may be very typical for a man, the first comment is the one that speaks volumes about my husband. He is accepting of so much, and he looks so much deeper than just the physical. And he's gorgeous!!! I think I'll keep him. ;)
4 links out of my watch, 6 inches off the waist of all of my pants, and 4 notches over on my belt. I'm doing okay. :)
Happy weekend!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Lazy!
I'm lazy because I'm not putting up pictures! LOL Gosh, that's so time-consuming. Also, it's a little tough for me right now... I'm working in a state prison this month and can't take any electronics in with me, not even my cell phone. So I can't photograph anything I eat there. :( I'll have to resume next month, maybe...but I'm also thinking that I should stop posting the food I eat. It kind of takes the focus off of what this lifestyle change is supposed to be all about, because it's NOT all about the food. It's about feeling healthy and happy, and living a different life than the one I was living a year ago. I think the focus needs to be taken away from the food a little bit! With that said though, I do still record my food in the LoseIt! app on my iTouch so that I can keep track of my calories. (Calorie-counting works for me...I know some people hate it, but I love it!) And shouldn't that be enough? I'm thinking so.
In any case, I'm down to 227.2 this week! That's a 2-pound loss. I'm going to post before and after pics this weekend, so that'll be fun. ;)
Happy Friday, folks!
In any case, I'm down to 227.2 this week! That's a 2-pound loss. I'm going to post before and after pics this weekend, so that'll be fun. ;)
Happy Friday, folks!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Purple Monster
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to blog tonight! That's because I took Emily's idea for a Green Monster and tweaked it a bit and came up with a Purple Monster! I never saw a Green Monster recipe that looked appealing in any way to me until I came across Emily's. I'm not a big strawberry fan but knew I could substitute blueberries, which I love. Anyway, we'll get there. ;)
Breakfast:
Plus coffee for 225 calories. The eggs were kind of grody today...LOL Hard-boiled eggs certainly are a great protein source and they're super convenient for my commute, but they're were really nasty for me today.
Lunch was boring, but I'm working in a prison this month and it's a real pain in the ass to bring a big lunch in, so I just don't. But the bonus is that I really love these protein bars! I look forward to them...they're yummy.
My commute snack:
Okay. The Purple Monster was SO. GOOD.
1 big handful of spinach (2 cups?)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 medium-sized banana
1 cup unsweetened almond milk (Wish we had the unsweetened vanilla for this, but I picked up the wrong container!)
Ice to the top of the blender
This tasted like banana and blueberry, in that order! The spinach taste was non-existent. Hubs even liked it, and listen...Hubs is WEIRD when it comes to food. He is totally, TOTALLY picky about tastes and textures. I begged him to try the Purple Monster and he took a tiny sip from my glass (only after asking what the ingredients were... ;) )...and then asked for his own! I was proud of him. :) But it also goes to show you how non-weird this tasted!
The Purple Monster has 240 calories and is extremely filling. I don't need dinner after mine, that's for sure. Maybe a snack though. ;) Today I read that only 9% of Americans get in the recommended 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables daily. The Purple Monster has 4 by itself!
So excited to find a new food!!! And so easy and packed with nutrients.
Along with an extra coffee today, I'm at a total of 857. Eeek!!! Must have a snack tonight...a muffin, perhaps. And maybe a piece of chocolate. ;)
Goodnight!
Breakfast:
Plus coffee for 225 calories. The eggs were kind of grody today...LOL Hard-boiled eggs certainly are a great protein source and they're super convenient for my commute, but they're were really nasty for me today.
Lunch was boring, but I'm working in a prison this month and it's a real pain in the ass to bring a big lunch in, so I just don't. But the bonus is that I really love these protein bars! I look forward to them...they're yummy.
My commute snack:
Okay. The Purple Monster was SO. GOOD.
1 big handful of spinach (2 cups?)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 medium-sized banana
1 cup unsweetened almond milk (Wish we had the unsweetened vanilla for this, but I picked up the wrong container!)
Ice to the top of the blender
This tasted like banana and blueberry, in that order! The spinach taste was non-existent. Hubs even liked it, and listen...Hubs is WEIRD when it comes to food. He is totally, TOTALLY picky about tastes and textures. I begged him to try the Purple Monster and he took a tiny sip from my glass (only after asking what the ingredients were... ;) )...and then asked for his own! I was proud of him. :) But it also goes to show you how non-weird this tasted!
The Purple Monster has 240 calories and is extremely filling. I don't need dinner after mine, that's for sure. Maybe a snack though. ;) Today I read that only 9% of Americans get in the recommended 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables daily. The Purple Monster has 4 by itself!
So excited to find a new food!!! And so easy and packed with nutrients.
Along with an extra coffee today, I'm at a total of 857. Eeek!!! Must have a snack tonight...a muffin, perhaps. And maybe a piece of chocolate. ;)
Goodnight!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
It's Over Already?
In our household, the weekends fly by. Monday comes too quickly...I feel like Hubs and I just live for the weekends!
Okay, food. Today wasn't too bad, suprising given that it was a weekend day! I didn't count calories, per se, but I ate fairly well.
Breakfast was an egg white omelette with peppers, onions, broccoli, and mushrooms, and some home fries. Today was Diner Breakfast Sunday! I love diner breakfasts. This was delicious! So delicious, in fact, that I forgot to photograph it until I was almost finished. ;)
This was like God's gift to me. It really was. It was amazing. Hubs ordered some garlic knots, which I refused to partake of. Until the end of the meal, of course, when I had two very small ones. SOAKED in oil. And you know, I don't regret it, because I was satisfied like I have never been. Delicious!
I snacked on 3 or 4 Harry and David Bing Chocolate Cherries today. I may or may not have a 150-calorie sugar-free muffin tonight. We'll see how it goes.
The only reason I'm grateful for Monday is that it's SO much easier to eat a little cleaner during the week. But hey, we gotta live a little. 90/10. Friday will be fine. ;)
Goodnight all!
Okay, food. Today wasn't too bad, suprising given that it was a weekend day! I didn't count calories, per se, but I ate fairly well.
Breakfast was an egg white omelette with peppers, onions, broccoli, and mushrooms, and some home fries. Today was Diner Breakfast Sunday! I love diner breakfasts. This was delicious! So delicious, in fact, that I forgot to photograph it until I was almost finished. ;)
Lunch was a bit tougher than breakfast. A sad, sad thing happened in our lives today - the microwave broke! Hubs and I were extremely busy around the house this morning after breakfast. We cleaned out the attic a bit, I cleaned our entire bedroom (like, including dusting the mouldings...it wasn't just a little tidy job) and did like 5 loads of laundry or something stupid, and Hubs and his dad did some repairs outside on our back deck and fence. It was 1:45 when I realized I was SO ready for lunch. I was starving! Didn't even realize it. So I grabbed an Amy's Veggie Lasagna and stuck it in the microwave for 5 minutes. And after 5 minutes...it came out cold. WTF. At that point, Hubs exclaimed, "It all makes sense now! My coffee was cold after I put it in the microwave this morning for a minute."
Oh, you have got to be KIDDING me. No microwave? I don't cook! What the hell am I supposed to do? I got frantic.
"What am I going to do? I'm trying to lose weight! How am I going to lose weight if I can't make stuff in the microwave?" I was practically yelling. I must have been quite ridiculous...not having a microwave isn't the end of my eating as I know it. It's just that a fair share of what I eat is made in the microwave (steamed broccoli, any frozen things, etc.), and it would be a huge adjustment if it wasn't there. And anyway, the reason it was kind of a big deal in the first place is that we have one of those built-in microwaves. It's not just sitting on our counter where we can just replace it. Replacing our microwave is going to be a three-man job. Hubs assured me that we can get a microwave and just leave it on the counter and use it from there until his dad comes over to help us mount it. I'm scared...but I can handle it.
I decided to use the oven to heat my veggie lasagna. The only problem there is that I was STARVING, and the microwave would've taken 7 minutes as opposed to 50 in the oven. But I wanted that veggie lasagna, damn it, and I was going to have it. So I pre-heated that baby and waited.
And waited....and waited. And got hungry. And got crabby. And waited. Then the oven was pre-heated, so I set the timer for 35 minutes, stuck my food in, and waited some more.
And then I thought, "Hmmmm, I'll have a few chips."
And I did. A handful to keep me from ripping the throat out of the nearest living being.
Here's the lunch I waited so long for:
It tasted a whole lot better than it looked! It was really delicious. Hubs and I even went to the groceery store so I could buy more. (Well, we really went for diet iced tea for Hubs, but I was happy to get more of these!)
By the time dinner rolled around a few hours later, we were both exhausted. We decided to order a small pizza with no cheese, only a little bit of sauce and lots of peppers, onions, and broccoli.
This was like God's gift to me. It really was. It was amazing. Hubs ordered some garlic knots, which I refused to partake of. Until the end of the meal, of course, when I had two very small ones. SOAKED in oil. And you know, I don't regret it, because I was satisfied like I have never been. Delicious!
I snacked on 3 or 4 Harry and David Bing Chocolate Cherries today. I may or may not have a 150-calorie sugar-free muffin tonight. We'll see how it goes.
The only reason I'm grateful for Monday is that it's SO much easier to eat a little cleaner during the week. But hey, we gotta live a little. 90/10. Friday will be fine. ;)
Goodnight all!
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