Sunday, October 23, 2011

Time to Face the Fat!: Part I

Well, wait...

You don't think I'll write a Part II if there's nobody reading, do you?

Can you raise your hand if you're still around, please?  I'll make it worth your while if you are!  ;)

Monday, February 14, 2011

In the Zone

Happy Valentine's Day, folks!  I'm proud to say Hubs and I swapped health-oriented gifts this year - the Gregory Baltoro 70 mountaineering pack for him and the Gregory Deva 70 for me!  These packs won Backpacker magazine's Editors' Choice award for best mountaineering pack in 2008.  It couldn't have happened at a better time, because Hubs and I just decided last night that we're going away again the first week of March to do some hiking/snowshoeing!  I'm so excited to hike with this pack.  (It's the little things, people.)

(Note:  I just ate an entire Ghirardelli peppermint bark bar that I got from one of my patients.  I'm going to pretend that didn't happen.  [By the way, they're creamy and delicious.])

Okay, on to dieting wisdome now.  (Ha!)  Over the weekend I started reading Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth.  The book was written in 1982, but I really do believe that it's still relevant today.  Basically, she talks about a concept that is more familiar to people today than it was 30 (!!!) years ago, and that is the concept of emotional eating - eating for comfort, to relieve stress, to fill a void.  I'm only about 20 pages in, and although I've known for some time now that I'm an emotional eater, the book is still giving me some things to think about.  Let me give you one example of what I've realized.

Obviously, eating mindfully is important.  If we can slow ourselves down when we're eating and really experience our food - the taste, the smell, the texture - then we would enjoy it more and subsequently need less to satisfy us.  Right?  Right.  I know this is true, of course it is.  We know our tastebuds get "numb" after so many bites of something, and at that point we're just eating to eat.  Which brings me to the next point, and that's the importance of eating until you're not quite full but just about - perhaps a 6 on a scale from 1-10, keeping in mind that in about 20 minutes our brain will have gotten the signal that our bellies are full, which will take us to a 7 or 8.

I can't tell you how many times I've eaten to a 10, and half an hour later feeling so full that I was nauseous.  Yet something inside of me drives me to eat until I'm uncomfortable, something in my head whispers to me and tells me that if I'm a 10 then I know I'm full.  And what does "full" mean here?  It means so much more than simply not hungry.  It means that my nameless void is filled, at least for the moment.  And that means that I don't have to think about anything else except my uncomfortably gorged state - no time for anxiety, for doubt, for self-reflection and perhaps not liking what I see.  Just food, fat, and the hope that I can shit in the near future for a little relief.

So what do I mean by "in the zone"?  Well, it goes back to mindful eating.  I have tried mindful eating before and it's very upsetting.  Want to know why?  Because if I'm mindful about what I'm eating, I'll stop sooner rather than later.  Try to wrap your head around why THAT'S upsetting.  Nevermind, I'll just tell you:  It's because if I stop eating, then what?  What fills my void?  What alleviates my anxiety?  How do I accept the less-than-wonderful things I see in my self-reflection - the fact that I'm not exercising as much as I should be, that I don't clean/organize as much as I should, that I don't try new places or things?  I don't want to have to sit with my anxiety, I don't want to see the negative parts of me, so I can't be mindful when I eat.  Nope, I just shut off that "mindfulness switch" and pathetically and methodically move from bag to mouth (chips are my go-to food), back and forth, back and forth.  Knowing that I'll eventually reach 10.  Knowing that I can't stop now because the saltier my mouth gets the less I have to focus on life.  Knowing that I should be getting on the treadmill but eating is so much easier and delicious.

So now let's come back to the present.  It's Monday morning, and you all know how I feel about Mondays.  I woke up this morning feeling not quite empowered, but at least a little hopeful.  Over the weekend I made seven-layer bars for Hubs, which are delicious, and I decided to have one for breakfast because I knew I would eat one eventually today, so why not make it legitimate.  When I punched the recipe into my LoseIt! app on my iTouch, I learned that one bar has 585 calories in it.  Nope, that wasn't a typo.  So then I said to myself, "Well, it's Valentine's Day."  (There's almost always an excuse.)  Then I got to work and ate that candy bar I mentioned up there, "because I already screwed up for the day," or at least that's what I told myself.  But what is the truth?  The truth is that I have a lot I want to get done and I'm not making the time to do it, I haven't exercised in ages, and I had a rather unsuccessful food weekend.  All of that anxiety and mild self-loathing makes that void absolutely yawn, and so I yearn to fill it.  And then the cycle begins again.


Wow, how cathartic.  Nice to have that all out of my head and written down.  Perhaps that means I can start to attack it?  We'll see.  In better news, I'm on track as far as my weight loss goes - I lost 1.5 pounds last week!  No small feat given all of these damn mental barriers.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

So Many Mondays!

"I'll start again on Monday."  The story of my life!

Mondays, firsts of the month...all good times to recommit to your healthy lifestyle, right?  That's what I tell myself every Friday and Saturday night, or on like the 25th, 26th, 27th (etc.) of the month when I feel pleasantly gorged from a calorie-laden, satisfyingly fatty, all-around-happy-making meal.  So imagine the meal I eat when it's the weekend AND the end of the month!

Well, I won't go into details, but I can say it wasn't pretty.  I didn't binge eat or anything like that, but my weekend did involve the following elements:  1) Cheesecake Factory, complete with cheesecake (because how could you not?), 2) my brother-in-law's birthday, complete with birthday cake, way too much wine, and lots of cheese and crackers, and 3) homemade chocolate chip cookies.  I made over 50 on Friday and I think there are 7 left today.  I wonder how that happens.  (Hint:  It's not Hubs' fault.)

The good news?  Well, I'm maintaining my weight.  I haven't gained, which of course is a miracle.  Too bad I'm not looking to hold steady, eh?  So okay, I have a bad weekend behind me...and today is February 1st!  Oh, thank you Jesus for the first of the month again.  You bestow those on me 12 times a year and I am just TICKLED.

I am feeling a little more serious this month, for two reasons.  The first is that I am meeting up with a few of my girlfriends in April for a weekend of drunken, bisexual debauchery in New York City.  I would like to lose a little more weight by then (even though I look super-fabulous already).  The bigger reason though is that we have our family's annual beach vacation in July, and quite frankly I'm tired of not being at my goal weight every time we f*cking go. 

So here's the deal.  I have 23 weeks (and a few days) before that vacation.  If I commit to losing 1.5 pounds a week I can be down about 35 pounds, which really isn't that lofty of a goal.  I'd rather be down 45 (keeping my fingers crossed for 2 pounds a week!) but 35 if better than nothing.  Of course that means I'll only be down 12 pounds by my Girls' Weekend, but again, it's better than nothing.

Since today's Tuesday, that will be my official weigh-in day.  I'll have to wait until next week though, because I just had cereal and coffee for breakfast.  ;) 

Oh...and please don't look back in my blog at how many times I've "recommitted", okay?  Have some mercy.  ;)  And hey, I still lost over 60 pounds and have kept it off for 2 years.  That's a victory, right???

Happy Tuesday!  (I'm taking a non-sick sick day today.  Wheeee!)


Pssst, hey Lauren...thanks for kicking me in the pants to get another entry up!  :)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Hungry and Disorderly

Oh my, folks.  Let me tell you about this weekend.  Well, to preface, let me tell you that I bake like Betty Crocker.  I'm seriously an amazing baker, and when I bake something, I can't help but to partake.  And so on Friday night, as a gift to my husband for being an amazing man, I baked chocolate chip cookies.  52 of them.

I think that 35 of them may have found their way to my stomach over the course of my three-day weekend.  I'm not exaggerating or trying to be funny...I actually think that happened.  I say that because there were only about 15 cookies left as of this morning, and I just didn't see Hubs eating as many as I did.  Well, that and the fact that Hubs just doesn't binge-eat like I do.  Oh, and on Sunday morning Hubs brought me a donut back from the coffee shop, and I scarfed that as well.  If it weren't for the cookies and the donut it would have been a successful weekend.

Hmmm...okay, that's kind of a lie.  Because Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night, about an hour before we fell asleep, I binged like a starving animal.  Well, maybe it doesn't quite classify as bingeing, but I ate a LOT.  Potato chips, pretty much as many as I could shove in my mouth over a 15 minute period; mixed nuts, which were so delicious and salty and salty and delicious; did I mention chocolate chip cookies?  Oh, and caramel corn, tons of it.  And last night - the piece de resistance - there was pretty much nothing left in our pantry so I found a box of crackers we got in a gift basket for Christmas and pretty much ate three-quarters of those.

Wow, this was like confession. 


Today has been more successful on paper, but not mentally.  I had a good fiber-filled breakfast, a great fruit- and veggie-filled lunch, and I have an apple and a cheese stick for my commute snack.  But mentally and physically...and I really think it's both, though more mental when it comes to what I choose to eat...I'm ravenous.  I want to eat and eat and eat until the horrible food demon inside of me shuts the hell up, I want him to feel satisfied for once, and I want him to leave me alone.  He's like the monkey on my back that I keep feeding so he'll quiet down, only perpetuating the cycle.  Fucking monkey can kiss my ass.


And that was cathartic.

Happy Tuesday, folks.  Send good vibes out into the universe for me to have a better week, would ya?  ;)


Oh, and how could I forget?  I lost two more pounds last week, bringing me down 5 pounds in two weeks.  Not bad, except that I probably undid most of that over the last four days.  Boo!!!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Blindness? Death?

Happy Friday, folks!  This is just a very quick check-in to say that I weighed in today and lost 3 pounds.  This takes me down to a whopping....oh, damn it.  I just still can't write that number!  Instead, I'll leave you with a few pictures from vacation last week.  We were snowshoeing up to a point called Artist's Bluff in Franconia Notch in the White Mountains of New Hampshire.  This hike is just enough to get the heart pumping in the spring, summer, and fall...but in the winter on a pair of snowshoes it's WORK!  And it was a great time.  :)

That's pretty much a 45 degree angle.  (I was a physics minor...I'm not exaggerating!)

See that rock up there?  That's the high point, and that's where we eventually ended up.

Hubs took this picture.  Snowshoeing this really was a fun time.

And the view is ALWAYS worth it.  :)

In other news, my eye is STILL blurry.  I went to the ophthalmologist for a follow-up yesterday and he said, "Yeah, that's definitely not a corneal abrasion.  I don't know what it is, but it's definitely not that.  You'll see our corneal specialist next week."

Boy, when someone is talking about your eye, you really don't want to hear them say "I don't know what it is".  LOL  Ah well...nothing to do but wait until Wednesday to see the specialist and hope I don't go blind or die before then.

Enjoy the weekend!!!  :)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Return of the Purple Monster

Happy Wednesday, folks!  First and foremost, thanks to the few and the proud who welcomed me back.  :)  It was so nice to see that you guys were still here!  Barbara, you were right about that blogging every day thing...that's way too ambitious for me!  It's evidenced by the fact that I said I'd be blogging daily starting Monday, and now it's Wednesday.  You've probably noticed that I didn't post my weight, but that's because I'm not weighing in until Friday. I figure that instead of traumatizing myself, I'll get on the scale after 5 days of peeing and pooing and getting on the wagon a bit. It's just better for my mental health that way.

Things have been going quite well since Monday.  Lots of good food, 5-9 fruits and veggies, and I'm finally pooing normally again.  Sorry if that's too much, but I gotta tell you...a great way for me to tell if my diet sucks is whether I'm pooing or not.  When I don't get enough fruits or veggies, everything likes to stay in my cozy digestive tract, which makes me uncomfortable and angry.  So yay for a normal poo schedule!  My only challenge lately - well, since the summer, really - has been getting in 64 ounces of water a day.  I was always so good with that, but since July I've been doing all outpatient work, and I just don't have the kind of time I had before to use the bathroom.  Isn't that pathetic?  But seriously, if I peed as much as I do when I drink all that water, I'd never get out of work on time.  So I've been getting in about 52 or so...not terrible, but I could do better.  I've also upped my coffee intake from 20 ounces to 40 ounces, but they say an extra cup or two is good for you.  ;)  I certainly feel more alert!

Some of you might remember when I tried my hand at blending fruits and veggies into a smoothie and came up with the Purple Monster.  Well, it's back and better than ever!  I took a few pictures of it because I was proud of how healthy it looked.  The pictures suck, but luckily this isn't a photography blog.

Here it is chilling out in the blender:

For two Purple Monsters (Hubs wanted one!) - 2 cups of unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 2 big handfuls of spinach, 2 bananas, and 2 cups of frozen blueberries.  It was seriously awesome!

Here it is all blended up and looking lovely:

Oh my gosh, it was so good.  I really enjoyed it!

Interesting tidbit:  Hubs and I were in the White Mountains last week doing some snowshoeing.  On Thursday I bent down to tighten my strap while we were hiking and a stick poked me right in the eye.  I said, "If I didn't have more respect for nature I'd break that f*cking thing in half."  Well, Mother Nature heard me.  I started having photosensitivity and tearing of my eye on Saturday, and when I finally went to the ophthalmologist on Monday (because it was still horrible) I found out I have a nasty corneal abrasion.  So now I'm on antibiotics for it.  So anyway, my vision was a little blurry and I was cutting something on Monday night with our Ginsu knife...and I went nearly through the tip of my finger.  It was absolutely ridiculous.  So I have a corneal abrasion, I'm on Augmentin for a sinus infection (that's already cleared), and I have a Band-Aid on my left index finger covering a gross wound.  Which leads me to...

Fun fact o' the day:  Yesterday at work I smelled marijuana all morning.  I thought all of my patients were smoking pot.  You know what it was though?  It was the smell of my Band-Aid.  Yep, my Band-Aid (a clean one, mind you, not a grody old dirty one) smelled like marijuana.  Who knew?

Goodnight!  :)

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Knock, knock: Who's there?

Oh, it's just me.  ;)

I've been a bad blogger.  I've also been a bad dieter!  One of my New Year's resolutions?  Just like millions of other people, I will be eating healthier and finally reaching my goal weight in 2011!  And maybe NOT like millions of other people, I will be blogging every day, so please stay tuned.  I know I don't have tons of readers, but for the few that stayed with me, I hope you're still here...and I hope you'll stick with me for 2011.  :)

Oh, ummm...this will be starting January 3rd.  LOL!  See you Monday!