Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Food is Love

Damn, that looks good.

The whole world knows how awesome food is.  Most sane, rational people are aware that a delicious meal can turn a bad day into the best day ever.  (Or does that just happen for food addicts like me?)  If I'm in a rotten mood but know the Hubs and I are going to go for a really good dinner that night, I can get downright giddy.  Food is comforting.  Every night my sister and I talk on Yahoo Messenger.  We've been dieting together for a year now, so we've had lots of conversations about how much progress we're making, how much weight we've lost, and all the other good stuff.  Lately though, conversations have been about how GOOD "bad" food is.  Pizza, chips, ice cream, fried anything.  We say things like, "I can't wait to hit my goal weight so I can EAT."  Not meaning that we can eat whatever we want, but that we can eat a brownie sundae once in a while without agonizing over the calorie count in every spoonful.  Most of the time I don't agonize, but lately I have been.  I have been because the scale isn't freaking moving.  It's just not.  It's hovering and I'm getting pissed.  But see, food is delicious, exciting, and lovely, and it fills an anger-induced hole quicker than you can say, "Can you please pass the lard?"

Here's the truth:  I'm tired of dieting.  I don't have any desire to go back to eating the way I was prior to a year ago...I really don't.  I never again want fast food three times a day.  I never again want to eat more than one donut in a sitting.  I never again want to consume 1200 calories at breakfast alone.  I never again want to be any higher than a 14/16.  Trust me...I don't want those things, and they won't happen.  All I want to do is relax.  I know I can trust myself to eat intuitively - that's not the problem.  The dilemma for me is knowing that I can eat intuitively and most likely won't gain weight...but I won't lose it either.  And you know, I'm not ready to be done losing.  I have approximately 40 pounds to go and I want to get there.  And if I put my mind to it, I could probably be there before Christmas.  But right now???  Right now, I just want a break until we get back from vacation in 3.5 weeks.  I just want to chill the hell out.

So what am I going to do instead?  I'm probably going to go on some weird-ass mental boot camp that starts on Monday (of course).  2.5 hours of aerobic exercise a week, 1300-1400 calories a day. 

In the meantime, I'm going to have some more water.  Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Pointing the Finger?

I'm reading a book right now called Angry Fat Girls.  I haven't gotten very far, in fact I'm still just reading the Author's Note.  I'm still in Roman numerals territory!  (You know how, before the "meaty" portion of the book begins, the pages are numbered with Roman numerals?  Yes, that territory.)  The author is basically writing about her blog and, I suppose, how she came to write the book, though I haven't gotten to that part yet.

Anyway, she's mentioning relapse triggers and she refers to some comments she got on her blog - one woman mentioned she was betrayed by a family member, one talked about being alone on her birthday.  Let me tell you what my problem is here, and let me tell you why I think I have the problem in the first place.

I understand the concept of triggers, I really do.  But I have a hard time accepting that they apply to overeating.  Why?  Well, probably because I don't allow that for myself.  In my opinion, if I overeat today it's because I made a conscious choice, not because something bad happened to me so therefore I have no control over myself.  When I look at it like that, it seems so ridiculous.  If none of my friends call me on my birthday and I eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream that night, is that my friends' fault?  Of course it's not.  It's my fault for choosing that tub of fat to comfort me.  Because let's get something straight here: I could very easily have chosen to run a few miles, or take my dog for a walk, or watch a funny movie, or lament to my husband.  Instead, while I am totally compos mentis,  I decided to weigh down my sorrows with something like 60 grams of fat and 1200 calories.

It's much easier to point that finger, of course.  I'd love to not have to take responsibility for gaining weight some weeks, it would make me feel much less stupid.  But if we keep saying, "You know what?  I'm not going to wear that coat today," eventually it becomes a whole lot easier to make bad choices.  If we never have to look at ourselves in the mirror - at what may be a fat, bloated face staring back at us after all the beer we drank, or the belly that hangs over the top of our once-loose pants - we'll just become very comfortable being the victim. 

But why would you want to feel so powerless?  Why is that a more acceptable option that looking at your chubbly face or your muffin top and saying, Shit, this is all me!  Isn't that just so much better?  Maybe not on the surface, but if it's nobody else's problem that means that only you can change it.  Scary?  Hell no!  You are in the driver's seat!  You get to do whatever you need to do to get to your destination.  You get to map out the route that gets you there in the healthiest, happiest way, and no one can get in your way.  No one will cut you off, no one will cause a traffic jam, and no one will go too slow in the left lane.  You've got open road, my friend.  All you have to do is make sure that you have a full tank of gas, wiper fluid, and your iPod.  And then you just gotta GO.

And if you decide to make a pit stop and you add an hour to your ETA?  Well, own it.  Maybe next time you won't stop so damn long.

And with all of that said, I'm choosing to eat a wonderful Father's Day feast today at my in-laws'.  My pit stop, if you will.  ;) 

Happy Father's Day!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Get Foxy? Get Going!!!

Oh man...I'm the worst.  I really am!  And it's kind of funny to me that I'm such a big, lazy loser.  Allow me to explain.

So, my whole Get Foxy! plan has come to a screeching halt.  Why?  Meh...because some days I just don't feel like doing certain things.  LOL  No, really!!!  The very lovely and successful Barbara over at the Pound-a-Week blog asked if I was totally giving up refined sugar for the plan.  The truth is, Barbara, that I was - I had given it up approximately a year ago when I began losing weight and didn't have it for a few months.  It was good for me at that time because I really had to get rid of what I saw as my addiction to white sugar and white flour.  It was helpful, and I'd definitely recommend it!

Now, however, I feel as if I have more of a handle on myself.  Is this a dangerous thought?  Oh, perhaps.  But you know, sometimes I really want a sugar-free double chocolate chip muffin, and if I'm not eating refined flour or sugar, I can't have it.  Then, in order to make up for it, I graze - I eat a little of this, a little of that, a bite of this - in order to try to put to death a craving that I have for something very specific.  But of course, the craving never really dies and I end up eating a bunch of other stuff that's not satisfying me.  What a waste, right?

I've also not been completely successful with the exercise, a fact that is not shattering my world.  Because really, when I get home at 7 or 7:30 at night and have to get up at 4:45 the next morning, don't think I'm going to spend 30 minutes of my free time exercising.  Not going to happen!  That time is going to be spent with my husband and my dog, because I can't get that back.  And I miss them.  So that settles that.  But hey, I exercise on the weekends and when I get home early, which is better than nothing.  But if my husband is home, we're spending time together.  Period!

You might be thinking something like, "Nicole, in the midst of all your rampant failure, are you succeeding at anything?"

Why, yes - I'm very glad you asked.  I've been keeping my calorie intake between 1300-1500 a day and I've been drinking my 64 ounces of water every day.  You may remember me saying I'd have no more than 1300 calories a day.  Well, some days that's just too damn hard, so we're going with 1300-1500.  Also, about 90% of my diet consists of whole foods and foods with few, natural ingredients.

And hey, it's working!  I'm at 228.5 today, which is a 2.9 pound loss from two weeks ago.  Victory!  I am acutely aware that I really haven't lost any weight for the past 6 months, but this is not something that concerns me.  Why?  Well, because my belt has gotten too big for me, and only in the last month.  I had to take yet another link out of my watch over the past month.  Everyone I see says, "Wow, you've lost more weight!"  My parents even said this to me last weekend, and they wouldn't just say it to be nice.  If there's one thing I could count on them for it's to be completely honest with me.  My mother would have no problem saying, "Wow, you look like you're packing it on," or "So I guess you're done losing weight, huh?"  She does it with the best intentions, I'm sure.  (Or something like that...LOL)

So anyway...228.5 today.  Success!  I'm hoping - HOPING! - to be at 220 by the time we leave for our beach vacation on July 11th.  It may or may not happen...I'm not sweating it. 

Happy Friday!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Get Foxy! : Day 2

Gosh, I don't know how some people blog every day.  I'm so damn tired.  LOL  I had to amend the Get Foxy! plan a bit.  Eating under 1300 calories a day is nearly impossible, I've decided.  Sooo, we're changing that to 1450.

[x] No more than 1450 calories a day.

[] No refined suar.  (Still couldn't mark it!  I have one evil muffin left.  But hey, at least they're sugar-free.  Damn that white flour though.)
[1] Exercise. Five days a week. (Had a nice walk with our dog today!  It didn't get my heart rate up as much as the treadmill does, but I only burned 30 less calories according to my heart rate monitor.  I guess it was a good workout regardless!)
[] Friday weigh-in

[x] 64 ounces of water

Happy Tuesday, folks!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Get Foxy! : Day 1

I'm too tired to make this a meaningful entry of any sorts.  LOL  Just staying accountable here:

[x]  No more than 1300 calories a day.

[] NO MORE REFINED SUGAR. Just like how we started out a year ago. No more. If we want something sweet, it has to be organic sugar or non-refined. No exceptions. No white bread, no white pasta, no white potatoes, no white flour. Nada.  (Couldn't quite mark this one!  I have two sugar-free chocolate chip muffins left that have white flour in them.  They're expensive and I'm not throwing them out.  LOL  I ate one tonight and I have two more left.  No other refined carbs today.)

[] Exercise. Five days a week. No less. On those days, eat 300-400 more calories. Make sure to eat the extra calories or we won't burn fat.  (Exercise will be Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat, and Sun this week!)

[] Weighing in every Friday, but we've been doing that.

[x] 64 ounces of water every day. EVERY DAY.

Happy Monday!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Get Foxy!

As of today, we have 5 weeks until we leave for one of my favorite vacations of the summer - the beach!  My sister and I want to be as super foxy as possible by then, so we devised a little plan to help us along.

I'm stealing the blog entry idea from a gorgeous, motivated, fit friend of mine who is doing awesome with her weight loss.  She's lost over 70 pounds thus far, and she has a little get fit(ter) plan for summer too.  So I stole her "list" idea, and also her idea of sharing it on a blog for the world to see.  (Or at least the small world of people that read!)

Here are the steps my sister and I are going to take to Get Foxy! by the time we leave for the beach!  This is how I presented the plan to my sister, verbatim.

1)  No more than 1300 calories a day.
2)  NO MORE REFINED SUGAR.  Just like how we started out a year ago. No more. If we want something sweet, it has to be organic sugar or non-refined. No exceptions. No white bread, no white pasta, no white potatoes, no white flour. Nada.
3)  Exercise. Five days a week. No less. On those days, eat 300-400 more calories. Make sure to eat the extra calories or we won't burn fat.
4)  Weighing in every Friday, but we've been doing that.
5)  64 ounces of water every day. EVERY DAY.

Some of these won't be tough for me - the water and the weighing will be fine.  The other stuff will be a challenge, but so be it.

My fabulous friend makes these into a list on her blog, and she updates every day.  That's what I'll be doing also.  I'm an idea thief!

Starting tomorrow, there will be a post a day for then next 34 days.  That's a lot of work.  LOL

Happy Sunday!!!

Friday, June 4, 2010


I have a real problem with swearing.  I enjoy four-letter words far more than I should - I actually get a weird sense of satisfaction when I use one in a sentence.  This penchant, however, is generally not socially acceptable and it causes problems in professional environments and also around children.  The former reason is why, as a second-year med student, I told my friend Mike to charge me 25 cents every time I used the F word.  If I told him to charge me for every swear word I would be much deeper in student loan debt than I actually am, but I figured I had to start somewhere.  The F word seemed like the best starting point, as it was the one that raised the most eyebrows.  (I had not started using the C word at this point, otherwise that would have trumped the F word.)  Long story very short, at the end of a particularly frustrating day, I wrote Mike a check for $26.25.  Do that math.


The Good:  Hubs and I have discovered spaghetti squash!  Who knew a squash could be SO DAMN SPECIAL?

The Bad:  I have my period.

The Ugly:  I weighed 231.4 this week.  Don't forget that I was 223.8 2 weeks ago. 

Let's discuss these in order of importance, shall we?

Spaghetti squash!  Good Lord.  Go buy yourself a spaghetti squash, cut it in half, scoop out the seeds, bake it face down in about an inch of water on a cookie sheet at 450 for 45 minutes.  Let it cool, scrape the squash out, and serve it with spaghetti sauce or whatever you like your pasta with.  Because I will tell you, you can't tell the difference.  You can't!  I don't lie.  I couldn't lie about something as serious as pasta, because as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am a pasta LOVER.  But now that I've discovered spaghetti squash I doubt I'll ever make pasta again.  It's 42 calories for a cup of spaghetti squash.  COME ON.  AND two veggie servings?  BE STILL MY BEATING HEART.  (Yeah, I meant to use all of those caps.  I'm excited!)

My period.  Lovely.  My hands are puffy and I'm cramping a bit.  Oh, and I've been sensitive.  Ask Hubs.  Oh, and I think it had at least a little to do with my weigh-in.  Which brings me to... weigh-in.

Notice that my weigh-in is the least important thing here.  Please don't confuse this prioritization with apathy.  Here, let me explain.

Refer back to the story at the beginning of this entry.  That day I owed Mike $26.25 was clearly not a good day.  It was not a victory.  You might even say I failed, which I did.  I failed to keep a clean mouth.  I failed, so I was a failure, right?  Well...yeah.  It's the definition of the word.  So be it.  I didn't kick the crap out of myself, I just walked into class the next day and said, "Mike, you're not getting that much money from me today."  We laughed, and at this point I'm not sure how much I had to give him that day, but it definitely wasn't $26.25.  I didn't think about how many times I swore on that bad day, it didn't keep me up at night, it didn't make me feel like a loser, and I didn't hate myself.

So...BREAKTHROUGH!...why should my weight make me feel that way?  Does the fact that I gained 6 measly pounds actually matter in the grand scheme of things?  I mean, it sucks for my weight loss, no doubt.  But my pants still fit.  I still look good, because really, who the HELL sees 6 pounds?  No one.  Not even me. 

I'm 6 pounds heavier.  I'm not dumber.  I'm not a worse person than I was when I was 225.4.  I'm not less successful.  I don't have fewer friends.  My dog doesn't hate me.  My family isn't shunning me.

It's 6 pounds, folks.  It's not cancer.  So we move forward, tweak some things, and do better.

You ain't gettin' $26.25 from me ever again, world.  So enjoy your windfall, because it's coming to a screeching halt.

Happy weekend!!!  :)