Sunday, November 14, 2010


I can't help myself.

I am loving Uggs!!! After much complaining yet admiring, and a lot of back-and-forth in my mind, Hubs took me out last night to feed me delicious food and to shop for Uggs. Here's the thing: I get that they're ugly. I really do. But let me tell you something...I put my foot into a pair of black Classic Talls and I thought I saw Jesus. Oh my God, the warmth and the comfort... It was love.

And with that successful trial, my mind was made up. There was only one problem - Bloomingdale's didn't have my size, the bastards! But that's okay, ordering them online is where it's at. And in preparation for the boots, I ordered two fabulous pairs of skinny jeans from Gap today. 

You read that right.  The (formerly?) fat chick bought skinny jeans.  No need to applaud.


Hubs and I got back from a hiking trip to the White Mountains a few weeks ago.  I meant to post pictures but of course I found better things to do.  So here are some highlights:

Lonesome Lake, which is actually a mountain tarn.  We'd already hiked to 2740' at this point.

The view from Lowe's Bald Spot.  This was a LONG hike - 5.5 miles round trip, lots of elevation gained, lots of rock climbing involved.  Exciting!

Square Ledge, one of our favorite hikes.  Short but very steep - a lot of elevation gained over a short distance.  Rock scrambling/climbing involved here.  Love it!

Here I am doing a little scrambling:

 Don't mind the look, I'm a bit tired.  This is after our Lowe's Bald Spot hike...I'm eating a veggie sandwich with hummus on multi-grain bread.  Delicious!

Lowe's Bald spot again.  Yeah, we had to climb that rock.  :)

So what's the point?  The point is that I am so grateful to my body for allowing me to do things like this - for not failing me, for treating me so well even though I spent a lot of time treating her poorly.  It's not quite an unconditional love - Lord knows we CAN do enough to ourselves to cause permanent damage - but it certainly is a forgiving one.

Who's up for a challenge?  My sister and I are!  Our challenge is to lose 15 pounds by Christmas.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Sunday, October 10, 2010


All right, all right.  So it's been a hundred years since I blogged.  I just wasn't feeling it, quite honestly.  I'd like to say that I was doing something fabulous like changing the world, but it really was just that I got into a really enjoyable book or three, had a few trips here and there which knocked things off schedule a bit, and at the end of the day, blogging just wasn't on the list.  But better late than never, right?

So, diet-y stuff first.  Depending on your perspective, things could be going well or not so well.  I'm holding steady at 235-240, and I'm not really upset.  I'm eating healthy meals for breakfast and lunch, getting in my 5-9 fruits and vegetables, and then coming home and eating for dinner whatever it is that speaks to me.  Sometimes that means soup, cereal, healthy organic frozen dinners, or  not-so-healthy takeout.  But the truth is, I feel good and my clothes still fit and I look good, and so this makes it a little tougher for me to care about the number on the scale.  Although sometimes I DO care, and then I get furious with myself...but that generally goes away.  ;)  Plus, I've been celebrating my birthday for the past week!  My birthday is on October 9th but I celebrate for a whole week, because why not?  So last weekend we visited my parents and brother and sister, and my grandparents joined us for cake.  My grandmother is an honest woman - too honest for her own good sometimes, like the kind of woman who will give a compliment like this:  "Oh, your hair looks"  And she really doesn't do it to be rude, she just thinks she's doing you a disservice if she's not brutally honest.  I can't tell you how many times she's gone up to people and said things like, "Oh, have you been eating more?  Your clothes look tight."  She has absolutely no qualms telling you what she thinks.  So imagine my surprise when she said to me last weekend, "Wow, you look great.  You're still losing weight, aren't you?"  So I smiled and said, "Well, of course!"  And I think I mentioned before, although the number on the scale is holding steady, I'm tightening my belt and my watch keeps getting bigger and bigger on my wrist.  Who knows!

Check out this great birthday gift from my sister, and don't mind my badly-in-need-of-lotion hands:

And another fun gift from Hubs:

To answer the question I know you must be asking yourself, no, I'm not into owls.  Or at least I never was before my birthday.  I do find myself quite drawn to them now...  As a matter of fact, after I got my owl ring last weekend from my sister, I heard my VERY FIRST OWL that night when Hubs and I were sitting on the porch.  I'm like the Owl Whisperer.  Hubs got the big owl for me while out running errands yesterday morning - I was getting a pedicure from my little Asian guy Charlie - and now I've decided that I'm going to put the owl in my office tomorrow.  It's going to freak the hell out of my patients.

On a fun note, I was invited to join a raw Ramen-eating contest here in the blog world.  I was about to do it until I realized two things:  1) Ramen has MSG in it, which I really don't eat voluntarily anymore, and 2) We didn't have any left anyway!  So that ship has sailed, unfortunately.

On an even more fun note, Hubs and I recently bought kayaks and we took them out for their maiden voyage yesterday for my birthday.  It was the most beautiful day of the year, which must have been put together just for me.  ;)

And now, on the most fun note ever, Hubs and I are headed up to the White Mountains next weekend for a week's worth of hiking and kayaking.  It's badly needed...can't wait!

Happy Sunday!

Monday, September 13, 2010

A Giveaway...Just Not Here!

Hi folks!

Emily over at Eating Chalk has a super cool home improvement giveaway going on right now.  Besides that, she has a really fun blog with lots of pictures and so many every day things that I think we all can relate to.

Good luck!

Sunday, September 12, 2010


So...I'm getting honked at again. 

Allow me to explain.

I spent most of my adult life so far getting honked at, catcalled, and just generally being objectified.  I'm not telling you that because I feel special, I'm telling you that because an interesting thing happened when I porked up a few years ago.  Well, maybe not so interesting...expected, really.  I stopped getting honked at as much.  I wasn't really getting whistled at.  And truth be told, it was a bit sad.  Do I want to be objectified?  Well, I'd like to always be able to say no and mean it, but I can't.  What can I say?  Approval is nice.  Of course, Hubs has always approved of me, and he makes me feel sexier than any other man in the universe could, but it still makes me feel a little powerful when someone else finds me attractive.  It's pathetic, I know.  So yeah, if I'm being honest, I was a little disappointed when I wasn't getting as much attention.  Isn't that so sick?  It is...I realize that.

But hey, good news.  Probably since I was at the 50-pounds-lost mark, I started getting attention again.  Yesterday when I was on my way to the spa, I got honked at twice on the highway and once when I got out of my car in the spa parking lot.  While I have no desire to turn on any men other than Hubs, it does make me feel pretty good about myself.  I know, I know...feeling good should come from inside.  But I firmly believe that anyone who says outside approval doesn't give them at least a little pleasure is lying through his/her teeth.

Well, this may be my most self-centered blog entry yet.  I may lose a few readers, but at least I'm being honest!

I'll leave you with a few pictures from our recent mountain climbing trip.  We hiked a 4,000-footer in the White Mountains, plus a few other mountains/trails.  It was a good time, and just like once before,  I was proud of my body for allowing me this pleasure.  I've come a long way, number on the scale be damned!

(You'll notice I have no number for you.  I'll be weighing in next back from vacation on Tuesday and didn't particularly want to see the damage this week!  LOL)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I've forgotten how awful it is to detox from sugar.  Crushing fatigue, pounding headache, tunnel vision, and diarrhea.  If I hadn't gone through it before I'd think I was dying!  Just goes to show you how awful that stuff must be for you.

Since I'm here, I'll tell you that I choked down the most disgusting salad in the world today for lunch.  It was raw spinach, steamed broccoli, and some black beans...doesn't that just sound gross?  I meant to put salmon in until I realized we didn't have any, so I figured the beans would be a good substitute.  They're not...this I now know.  Oh, and no salad dressing - thought the beans would make it okay without it - which made it extra-hard to consume.  But on the bright side, it was 4 servings of vegetables.

I'm not sure that makes me feel any better.  ;)

By the way, I got on the scale this morning.  Couldn't help it.  I'm down 4 pounds from yesterday morning.  Obviously "water weight", but I still feel victorious!

Monday, August 23, 2010

I'm a Superstar!

...well, at gaining weight, anyway.  ;)

This morning I weighed in at a whopping 240.6  That's a 3-pound gain from last week.  There's no sugar-coating it.  It's just disgusting.

And it's all my fault, by the way.  Pizza for dinner three nights during the week plus two trips out for ice cream PLUS a huge, fried Italian meal with dessert in there...that'll do it.  Oh, and no exercise - the piece de resistance.

So what now?  Well, I have to do better...this falls into the "No Shit" category.  I'll be honest though, I am sick to death of counting calories.  REALLY, really sick to death.  I just can't flipping stand the thought of adding up the components to one more meal.  But hey, I'm doing it anyway, because sometimes we just gotta do shit we don't wanna do.  To combat my complaining, however, is a real action.  I've taken a page out of the book (forgive the'll see) of a gorgeous friend of mine who has lost nearly 100 pounds, and I've started reading Fit for Life.  I began reading it yesterday morning and am only 40 pages from the end, so I hope to finish it tonight.  I'm not sure exactly how I feel about the science behind the book because I'm not sure it's truly sound, but what I do know is that people have gotten huge results from using the plan.  It's nothing extreme or crazy like Atkins or any of those other nutty plans.  And again, I really don't know if what he proposes makes sense, but it certainly doesn't seem dangerous or unhealthy.  He's not advocating a crash diet or a weird, motor-oil-and-eye-of-newt detox, but rather a diet made up of 70% fruits and vegetables.  He's against dairy entirely...I'm not really one for cutting whole food groups out of my diet, but I'm willing to be no-dairy for a bit to see if I feel better.  Truth be told, the only dairy I really eat is yogurt and cheese, so that stuff is just gonna have to go for a while.  Hubs and I use almond milk for regular purposes and So Delicious Coconut Milk Creamer for our coffee, so we're kind of halfway there as it is.  Plus, Hubs is lactose-intolerant and I'm actually finding that dairy upsets my stomach as well.  I didn't realize this until we started using the coconut milk in our coffee.  (There's not one bit of difference in the taste or the texture, by the way.)

But for now, until I familiarize myself with the plan, I'm counting calories.  I did adopt one important part of his plan already, which is to not eat anything but fruit before 12 PM.  Is it weird?  Yeah, kinda, and I don't know if there's any good reason to do it other than the one he gives (which has to do with elimination - a euphimism for shitting).  Is it unhealthy or dangerous?  Hell no, so why not?  This morning I had a banana, a nectarine, and a V8 Fusion.  Two things with this - he says to stay away from bananas unless you're very hungry and to stick with water-based fruits.  Well, bananas were what we had, so a banana it is.  We'll fix it the next time we go to the store.  LOL  Also, the V8 Fusion is not entirely fruit, as there's some veggie juice in there, but there are no other bizarre ingredients in it.  Still and all, he prefers you drink fresh-squeezed juice if you're going to have it, but for now it's a V8 Fusion.  I was going to make a blueberry-strawberry smoothie this morning but didn't have the time.

So that's the deal.  I'll get on the horrible treadmill today because I have to do it...I'm feeling a little out of shape lately.  Not abnormal considering I haven't been on the treadmill since May.  ;)

Happy Monday!

Monday, August 16, 2010

That'll Learn Me!

Okay, folks, I'm (mostly) recovered from my surgery, back to work (boo!), and back on the wagon.  I've been off the wagon now for a good month or so but the party's over now.  Are you dying to know how much I weigh?  Because I'm dying to tell you!

237.4.  Isn't that fabulous?  That's only a nearly 10-pound gain since Christmas.  I mean, really...couldn't have gone any better than that.  [Insert eye-rolling here.]

So what did I learn?  Well, I learned that I'm not as good as I think I am!  I'm not anywhere close to an intuitive eater like I thought I was - I'm more of a donuts-cookies-brownies-ice cream-every-day kind of eater.  I ate a lot of high fat, high calorie foods and don't think I even ate one fruit or vegetable on purpose.

I used my handy little Lose It! app on my iTouch this morning and it said that if I stick to my recommended calories per day to lose 2 pounds a week, I can be done by January.  To think that I'll hit the Christmas season and be 10 pounds within my goal weight is a great incentive to just commit and quit stalling!  I'm tired of dieting and I want to be finished, but I'm not going to finish until I hit my goal of 190 pounds.  I have two vacations, a birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in there, so while I might not reach it exactly by January, I'll give it till February.  I'm having an awesome get-together in the city with friends this spring and I want to look even more amazing than I do now.  ;)

Part of the challenge before I think was my calorie intake.  I usually wasn't allowing myself to have anything over 1300 calories a day...considering that we need 1200 just to be alive, I know I wasn't eating enough.  No wonder I was ravenous and the came home and scarfed food out of the pantry.  My LoseIt! app tells me to eat 1701 a day but I subtracted 200 for a total of 1501 a day.  I think that's reasonable, and so far I don't feel hungry today.  It's amazing what a little extra food can do, eh?

I'm also changing my weigh-in day back to Monday.  As I mentioned here, the Friday weigh-in is a bad idea...yet somehow I still got back to it.  Bad, bad idea.  No more!  I'm going to get back into the exercise game as well, I just have to get the green light from my surgeon.  I meet with him this Wednesday so hopefully he'll have good news.

Hubs and I will still be having one dinner and one breakfast out during the week.  This helps me keep my sanity and doesn't pose a problem for my weight loss.  It only becomes a problem when twice a week out turns into 4 or 5 times a week.  This Friday we have reservations at Rainforest Cafe - love it there!

Happy Monday, folks!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Gallbladder Adventures

Well, I'm alive. I'm alive and having a muffin and coffee for breakfast, so this is good.

Let me tell you something. I am so glad that I only had one gallbladder to remove. And I hope to hell that I never have to have another abdominal surgery, laparascopic or otherwise, because dude, it sucked ass. It feels like I did 5000 sit-ups in one minute. Oh, and you'll never believe how often you need to use your abdominal muscles to move.

My big worry for my surgery was the anesthesia...for some reason, the thought of general anesthesia and intubation just scared the shit out of me. So imagine my relief when I met my (cute) anesthesiologist and found out he graduated only 7 years before me from the same medical school that I did. I said, "Ahhhh, well at least I know you got a good education!" He was funny and comforting and I was so proud of where he and I came from, because that'swhat kind of doctorswe were taught to be. It was awesome. He let me know he'd be giving me Versed before intubating me, and all I could think to say was, "Man, I have control issues. That's going to be so hard." That's the last thing I remember saying.

When I woke up I wasn't crying or swearing like I was when I came out of twilight anesthesia after getting my wisdom teeth removed. I was grateful and as gracious as possible because I wanted these folks to take good care of me. I think I said "thank you" twenty times, even if it wasn't warranted. "Nicole, you're all finished, honey." "Thank you." "You did great." "Thank you." We're going to get you back to your room now." "Thank you." I think they probably felt very appreciated. LOL

My surgeon was surprised when I told him before my surgery that I kicked Hubs out of the hospital. The guilt I would have harbored knowing that he just sat in the waiting room for hours would have been insurmountable. Hubs reluctantly agreed to leave and get some things done while I was in surgery even though he thought it would be better to stay in the waiting room. I appealed to him by saying, "Why? It's not like you can help, right?" LOL So we agreed that the surgeon would call him when I was finished and in the recovery room, and wouldn't you know when I returned to my same-day surgery room, there was Hubs, waiting expectantly. He sat and held my hand while I slept for another 90 minutes and then we came home.

I came home to a gift bag full of good stuff - magazines (Us Weekly, Maxim, Women's Health, Food), 3 boxes of gourmet chocolate, a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels, a card, monkey stickers, and a bracelet. That's Hubs for you. :) He catered to me all day and all night, and this morning when he left for work he tied a rope to the footboard of our bed so that I could get in and out with leverage. LOL Seriously, how awesome is that? And I did use it, too. But now I'm safely planted in our sunroom with my laptop, a book, and more magazines than I can read in a day. Oh, and a muffin and coffee.

If any of you ever have surgery, let me know. You can borrow Hubs, because I promise you'll never be better looked after.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Don't Eat Healthy

Let me make the back story as short as possible. Since December of 2009 I've had four wicked episodes of abdominal pain, one that sent me to the emergency room in January and one that would have sent me there this past Monday night had I not known for sure what it was. Right upper quadrant pain that goes around to my back and up to my right shoulder - this here is textbook biliary colic (pain from gallstones). I had it once in December, once in January, and once this past Monday. I was fine with it, even though it was excruciating on Monday night, because I knew what it was and it didn't freak me out. I just took two heavy duty painkillers that I was prescribed during my ER visit, which I had NEVER taken before Monday night, and went to sleep. I woke up very sweaty and tired but feeling much better on Tuesday morning, and I told myself that if this horrible pain only happened once or twice or three times a year, I could take it. I've also had some random abdominal pains in that general area since last year, but whatever...nothing to write home about.

I didn't think anything else of it until it happened again on Thursday night, just four days later. Then I woke up Friday morning and almost barfed in the shower, and I dealt with abdominal/back pain all day at work. That's when I knew something wasn't good. Cue me calling a general surgeon for an appointment.

Interesting aside: I was talking about my predicament on Friday morning with one of the doctors I work with, who has been out of his residency for a few years now. When I told him that this pain landed me in the ER back in January and that they didn't even do an ultrasound while I was there, he said, "Did you let them know you were a doctor?" I told him of course I didn't, it's not something I broadcast just for shits and giggles. He said, "It's okay to announce it. You'll get better treatment, which is unfair, but it's still true." Isn't that horrible? I mean, HE wasn't being horrible...he was stating what is a truth. But it's still a shame.

So now go back to me calling the general surgeon. The surgeon's secretary said, "He's not in the office today, he's only on call. You'll have to come to the emergency room." And I said, almost apologetically, "Ugh, I just feel so stupid. I'm a doctor...I don't know why I let it go this long!" So smooth, right? Well, I'll tell you what...that surgeon's door opened for me. The secretary actually said, "Oh, you're a doctor? Hmmm...let me know, I can probably get him to come see you later today." He came in to see me that afternoon, PLUS set me up for an ultrasound and pre-admission bloodwork after hours. That doctor thing works sometimes.

So there I am getting my ultrasound. The ultrasound tech is super nice, and I'm looking at all of my organs on the little monitor. Then I see my gallbladder...full of gallstones. I go, "Holy shit, look at that!" She said, "I'm not a doctor, I'm not allowed to say anything about your images!" I said, "It's okay, I'm a doctor, and those are gallstones." She calls the surgeon and puts me on the phone with him, and the first thing I say is, verbatim, "Dude, my gallbladder has like a bazillion stones in it." Very intelligent.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I am scheduled to have surgery on August 10th. Balls.

What's with the eating healthy thing? Well, I'll tell you. Most people think it's fat people that get gallstones. Most people think you have to have a crappy diet to get them. Au contraire, mon frere. The surgeon said my gallstones most likely formed when I drastically changed my diet a little over a year ago. I stopped eating processed, nasty foods and instead filled my diet with mostly whole foods, a lot of fruits and vegetables, and a lot of plant sources. Because my gallbladder didn't have to squeeze out bile as much anymore to emulsify a bunch of fat, the bile just chilled out in my gallbladder, stagnating and finally forming little stones. (My surgeon friend asked me last night, "Is it one or two big stones?" I said, "No, it's a bunch of pebbles." He said, "Oh man, they're the worst kind." Thanks.)

Oh, and the people who say fried, fatty foods bring on gallbladder attacks? True enough...just not entirely. On Monday night, which was by far the worst pain I've ever experienced, I had eaten steamed broccoli, steamed brown rice, and tofu for dinner. And on Thursday night, the attack that carried through until yesterday, I had spaghetti squash with organic marinara sauce and a piece of whole wheat bread with less than a teaspoon of butter. I mean, really. And interestingly enough, Hubs and I went out for dinner last night and I had no symptoms at all. And I did NOT have a healthy dinner. But that's the way it's gone for me - my attacks were all after healthy meals, and when I'm on vacation or something and am not eating healthy at all, I have no problem with it. Maybe so much bile is squeezing out that it's just pushing the stones right out of the way. ;) Maybe I need that action in my gallbladder. It may not just be a joke actually, because they did see one stone stuck in the top of my gallbladder during the ultrasound, and I'd hardly eaten anything yesterday until dinner.

Funny story: The ultrasound tech said, "Have you eaten anything today?" I said, "Yes, I had a peach at 12 PM." (It was 4 PM.) She said, "Oh, we really like you to be fasting..." And I said, "Well, it was a peach....4 hours ago....I think it's gone by now."   LOL

I also think it's funny when people say that having their gallbladder out made them gain weight. gained weight because now that your gallbladder is out you can eat all the fried, disgusting, fatty shit that you want.

So now you know The Adventures of My Gallbladder. Think goods thoughts for me on the 10th. General anesthesia scares the shit out of me!


By the way, 230.8 yesterday.  That's down 2.8 since the Friday after vacation (last Friday) from 233.6.  My metabolism did its job on our vacation and held me pretty steady, though I definitely did gain a bit.  That's okay, I'd rather gain a pound or two than get off track completely. 

Happy weekend!  :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Linen Pants

Folks, I'm back from vacation...perhaps not exactly skinnier than before, but definitely back.  We had an awesome time at the beach, and I consumed enough calories to power a small village for at least a week.  I didn't have any majorly disgusting binges or anything, just a lot of eating here and there, grazing on high-calorie, high-fat, processed crap.  I'm actually feeling good about getting back on the wagon, if you can believe that!  I'm sure that feeling will last all of a week or so.  ;)

Here's the good news though:  My linen pants, which I'm not sure if I've referenced in the past, still fit.  Quick linen pants back story for you...I bought a pair of these gorgeous, off-white pants about 5 years ago.  Linen, no stretch, very pricey.  That last fact was unfortunate though, because the pants never fit me.  But of course I never took them back - instead, I always told myself that I would lose a few pounds to fit into them and that they would be my motivation...

...hahahaha!!!  Oh, that's hysterical.  Oh God, ouch...I think my side actually hurts from laughing.  Too funny.  But that's actually what happened.

So anyway, I've been trying these pants on periodically throughout my weight loss.  At one point I couldn't get them higher than my knees.  A few months ago I could pull them up over my ass but it looked like I was trying to cram 10 pounds of meat into a 5 pound sack.  They zipped and buttoned but I still looked gross.  Then about a month or two ago I tried them on again - the number on the scale has essentially been the same since Christmas, mind you - and they buttoned, zipped, AND looked amazing.  And so to celebrate the fact that they still fit, I'm wearing them today.  :)  Comfortable as ever.

I'm back on track today, but it sucks a big one.  I'm hungry, I'm low on energy, and the fact that these pants still fit makes me want to go out and have a salty, fatty dinner with Hubs.  (I guess so I can eventually make them NOT fit again?)  Damn linen pants!  They're a double-edged sword.

Official weigh-in this Friday.  Stay tuned!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Long Time, No Weigh!

Get it?  Instead of "long time, no see"?  I'm so clever!  It must be all the glucose feeding my brain.

Okay, seriously now.  I haven't weighed myself since June 18th, and I have no plans to do so until Friday of this week, and even then I may not.  Why?  Well, because I feel fat.  Do I think I'm actually fatter?  No, not at all.  Everything that fit before still fits, everything that was loose is still just as loose.  It's clearly psychological - I know that I haven't been following my healthy eating plan as strictly as usual, so I automatically feel as if my face looks fat and I have puffy fingers.  It's just the way it is.

I'd been doing fairly well up until the holiday weekend.  I'd been getting in my 5-9 fruits and vegetables every day, all of my water, and staying in a reasonable calorie range.  Reasonable meaning I'd eat about 800 throughout the day and then just eat dinner without counting.  Dinner was never anything like a bucket of fat smeared with butter, so I wasn't worried.  But see, then the holiday weekend happened, and holiday weekends are baaaaad.  Think beer, mixed drinks, wine, desserts, chips, and ice cream.  Nothing in gigantic proportions, but still more than I should have consumed.  What can I say?  If I get a taste of it I miss it.  And I really gave myself license to eat this weekend (up to and including Monday!).

Still I worried?  No, I'm not.  Am I deluding myself?  No, I'm not.  I'm not going to gain weight by eating like a "normal" person.  "Normal" people allow themselves to indulge and don't worry about packing on 10 pounds in one sitting.  "Normal" people know better, and I have to remember that.  They know that the give-and-take will be what matters - indulge today, eat healthier tomorrow.  Even Steven (Seinfeld reference!).  It's all about a give and take, but for us dieters, give and take almost seems like a sin.  Clearly we will gain weight if we don't stick to 1200 calories a day that come from only fruits, vegetables, complex carbs, and a touch of protein.  Obviously we will beef up to critical mass if we miss a day of exercise or don't drink all of our water or even - *GASP* - eat dessert more than once a week.  This will derail us completely and we will gain back all 5, 10, 20, 50+ pounds we lost.  We're so unlucky.

Does anyone else find this extreme black-and-white thinking horrifying?  Gosh, how much more punitive can we get than when we are chastising ourselves for not being perfect eaters?  And look, I'm not saying this to give us all carte blanche to just eat through our pantries or refrigerators or cupboards of shame.  I'm not talking about either extreme here - neither the perfect nor the wretched.  I'm talking about sometimes relaxing and finding the middle.  And let's face it, the middle doesn't always help us lose weight, right?  But the middle is what helps us maintain, and maintaining is a valuable lesson in and of itself.

Voltaire said, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."  Voltaire was awesome for that, and that's become a quote that I apply to many areas of my life.

And before I forget, the lovely Lauren over at Piece of the Pie commented on my last post and wanted to know how dinner was.  Truth is, Lauren, I don't remember!  LOL  It's been so long since I've posted that I can't recall a damn thing.  But when I have a fabulous dinner sometime this week I'll give a full report.  :)

Happy Tuesday!!!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Food is Love

Damn, that looks good.

The whole world knows how awesome food is.  Most sane, rational people are aware that a delicious meal can turn a bad day into the best day ever.  (Or does that just happen for food addicts like me?)  If I'm in a rotten mood but know the Hubs and I are going to go for a really good dinner that night, I can get downright giddy.  Food is comforting.  Every night my sister and I talk on Yahoo Messenger.  We've been dieting together for a year now, so we've had lots of conversations about how much progress we're making, how much weight we've lost, and all the other good stuff.  Lately though, conversations have been about how GOOD "bad" food is.  Pizza, chips, ice cream, fried anything.  We say things like, "I can't wait to hit my goal weight so I can EAT."  Not meaning that we can eat whatever we want, but that we can eat a brownie sundae once in a while without agonizing over the calorie count in every spoonful.  Most of the time I don't agonize, but lately I have been.  I have been because the scale isn't freaking moving.  It's just not.  It's hovering and I'm getting pissed.  But see, food is delicious, exciting, and lovely, and it fills an anger-induced hole quicker than you can say, "Can you please pass the lard?"

Here's the truth:  I'm tired of dieting.  I don't have any desire to go back to eating the way I was prior to a year ago...I really don't.  I never again want fast food three times a day.  I never again want to eat more than one donut in a sitting.  I never again want to consume 1200 calories at breakfast alone.  I never again want to be any higher than a 14/16.  Trust me...I don't want those things, and they won't happen.  All I want to do is relax.  I know I can trust myself to eat intuitively - that's not the problem.  The dilemma for me is knowing that I can eat intuitively and most likely won't gain weight...but I won't lose it either.  And you know, I'm not ready to be done losing.  I have approximately 40 pounds to go and I want to get there.  And if I put my mind to it, I could probably be there before Christmas.  But right now???  Right now, I just want a break until we get back from vacation in 3.5 weeks.  I just want to chill the hell out.

So what am I going to do instead?  I'm probably going to go on some weird-ass mental boot camp that starts on Monday (of course).  2.5 hours of aerobic exercise a week, 1300-1400 calories a day. 

In the meantime, I'm going to have some more water.  Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Pointing the Finger?

I'm reading a book right now called Angry Fat Girls.  I haven't gotten very far, in fact I'm still just reading the Author's Note.  I'm still in Roman numerals territory!  (You know how, before the "meaty" portion of the book begins, the pages are numbered with Roman numerals?  Yes, that territory.)  The author is basically writing about her blog and, I suppose, how she came to write the book, though I haven't gotten to that part yet.

Anyway, she's mentioning relapse triggers and she refers to some comments she got on her blog - one woman mentioned she was betrayed by a family member, one talked about being alone on her birthday.  Let me tell you what my problem is here, and let me tell you why I think I have the problem in the first place.

I understand the concept of triggers, I really do.  But I have a hard time accepting that they apply to overeating.  Why?  Well, probably because I don't allow that for myself.  In my opinion, if I overeat today it's because I made a conscious choice, not because something bad happened to me so therefore I have no control over myself.  When I look at it like that, it seems so ridiculous.  If none of my friends call me on my birthday and I eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream that night, is that my friends' fault?  Of course it's not.  It's my fault for choosing that tub of fat to comfort me.  Because let's get something straight here: I could very easily have chosen to run a few miles, or take my dog for a walk, or watch a funny movie, or lament to my husband.  Instead, while I am totally compos mentis,  I decided to weigh down my sorrows with something like 60 grams of fat and 1200 calories.

It's much easier to point that finger, of course.  I'd love to not have to take responsibility for gaining weight some weeks, it would make me feel much less stupid.  But if we keep saying, "You know what?  I'm not going to wear that coat today," eventually it becomes a whole lot easier to make bad choices.  If we never have to look at ourselves in the mirror - at what may be a fat, bloated face staring back at us after all the beer we drank, or the belly that hangs over the top of our once-loose pants - we'll just become very comfortable being the victim. 

But why would you want to feel so powerless?  Why is that a more acceptable option that looking at your chubbly face or your muffin top and saying, Shit, this is all me!  Isn't that just so much better?  Maybe not on the surface, but if it's nobody else's problem that means that only you can change it.  Scary?  Hell no!  You are in the driver's seat!  You get to do whatever you need to do to get to your destination.  You get to map out the route that gets you there in the healthiest, happiest way, and no one can get in your way.  No one will cut you off, no one will cause a traffic jam, and no one will go too slow in the left lane.  You've got open road, my friend.  All you have to do is make sure that you have a full tank of gas, wiper fluid, and your iPod.  And then you just gotta GO.

And if you decide to make a pit stop and you add an hour to your ETA?  Well, own it.  Maybe next time you won't stop so damn long.

And with all of that said, I'm choosing to eat a wonderful Father's Day feast today at my in-laws'.  My pit stop, if you will.  ;) 

Happy Father's Day!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Get Foxy? Get Going!!!

Oh man...I'm the worst.  I really am!  And it's kind of funny to me that I'm such a big, lazy loser.  Allow me to explain.

So, my whole Get Foxy! plan has come to a screeching halt.  Why?  Meh...because some days I just don't feel like doing certain things.  LOL  No, really!!!  The very lovely and successful Barbara over at the Pound-a-Week blog asked if I was totally giving up refined sugar for the plan.  The truth is, Barbara, that I was - I had given it up approximately a year ago when I began losing weight and didn't have it for a few months.  It was good for me at that time because I really had to get rid of what I saw as my addiction to white sugar and white flour.  It was helpful, and I'd definitely recommend it!

Now, however, I feel as if I have more of a handle on myself.  Is this a dangerous thought?  Oh, perhaps.  But you know, sometimes I really want a sugar-free double chocolate chip muffin, and if I'm not eating refined flour or sugar, I can't have it.  Then, in order to make up for it, I graze - I eat a little of this, a little of that, a bite of this - in order to try to put to death a craving that I have for something very specific.  But of course, the craving never really dies and I end up eating a bunch of other stuff that's not satisfying me.  What a waste, right?

I've also not been completely successful with the exercise, a fact that is not shattering my world.  Because really, when I get home at 7 or 7:30 at night and have to get up at 4:45 the next morning, don't think I'm going to spend 30 minutes of my free time exercising.  Not going to happen!  That time is going to be spent with my husband and my dog, because I can't get that back.  And I miss them.  So that settles that.  But hey, I exercise on the weekends and when I get home early, which is better than nothing.  But if my husband is home, we're spending time together.  Period!

You might be thinking something like, "Nicole, in the midst of all your rampant failure, are you succeeding at anything?"

Why, yes - I'm very glad you asked.  I've been keeping my calorie intake between 1300-1500 a day and I've been drinking my 64 ounces of water every day.  You may remember me saying I'd have no more than 1300 calories a day.  Well, some days that's just too damn hard, so we're going with 1300-1500.  Also, about 90% of my diet consists of whole foods and foods with few, natural ingredients.

And hey, it's working!  I'm at 228.5 today, which is a 2.9 pound loss from two weeks ago.  Victory!  I am acutely aware that I really haven't lost any weight for the past 6 months, but this is not something that concerns me.  Why?  Well, because my belt has gotten too big for me, and only in the last month.  I had to take yet another link out of my watch over the past month.  Everyone I see says, "Wow, you've lost more weight!"  My parents even said this to me last weekend, and they wouldn't just say it to be nice.  If there's one thing I could count on them for it's to be completely honest with me.  My mother would have no problem saying, "Wow, you look like you're packing it on," or "So I guess you're done losing weight, huh?"  She does it with the best intentions, I'm sure.  (Or something like that...LOL)

So anyway...228.5 today.  Success!  I'm hoping - HOPING! - to be at 220 by the time we leave for our beach vacation on July 11th.  It may or may not happen...I'm not sweating it. 

Happy Friday!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Get Foxy! : Day 2

Gosh, I don't know how some people blog every day.  I'm so damn tired.  LOL  I had to amend the Get Foxy! plan a bit.  Eating under 1300 calories a day is nearly impossible, I've decided.  Sooo, we're changing that to 1450.

[x] No more than 1450 calories a day.

[] No refined suar.  (Still couldn't mark it!  I have one evil muffin left.  But hey, at least they're sugar-free.  Damn that white flour though.)
[1] Exercise. Five days a week. (Had a nice walk with our dog today!  It didn't get my heart rate up as much as the treadmill does, but I only burned 30 less calories according to my heart rate monitor.  I guess it was a good workout regardless!)
[] Friday weigh-in

[x] 64 ounces of water

Happy Tuesday, folks!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Get Foxy! : Day 1

I'm too tired to make this a meaningful entry of any sorts.  LOL  Just staying accountable here:

[x]  No more than 1300 calories a day.

[] NO MORE REFINED SUGAR. Just like how we started out a year ago. No more. If we want something sweet, it has to be organic sugar or non-refined. No exceptions. No white bread, no white pasta, no white potatoes, no white flour. Nada.  (Couldn't quite mark this one!  I have two sugar-free chocolate chip muffins left that have white flour in them.  They're expensive and I'm not throwing them out.  LOL  I ate one tonight and I have two more left.  No other refined carbs today.)

[] Exercise. Five days a week. No less. On those days, eat 300-400 more calories. Make sure to eat the extra calories or we won't burn fat.  (Exercise will be Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat, and Sun this week!)

[] Weighing in every Friday, but we've been doing that.

[x] 64 ounces of water every day. EVERY DAY.

Happy Monday!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Get Foxy!

As of today, we have 5 weeks until we leave for one of my favorite vacations of the summer - the beach!  My sister and I want to be as super foxy as possible by then, so we devised a little plan to help us along.

I'm stealing the blog entry idea from a gorgeous, motivated, fit friend of mine who is doing awesome with her weight loss.  She's lost over 70 pounds thus far, and she has a little get fit(ter) plan for summer too.  So I stole her "list" idea, and also her idea of sharing it on a blog for the world to see.  (Or at least the small world of people that read!)

Here are the steps my sister and I are going to take to Get Foxy! by the time we leave for the beach!  This is how I presented the plan to my sister, verbatim.

1)  No more than 1300 calories a day.
2)  NO MORE REFINED SUGAR.  Just like how we started out a year ago. No more. If we want something sweet, it has to be organic sugar or non-refined. No exceptions. No white bread, no white pasta, no white potatoes, no white flour. Nada.
3)  Exercise. Five days a week. No less. On those days, eat 300-400 more calories. Make sure to eat the extra calories or we won't burn fat.
4)  Weighing in every Friday, but we've been doing that.
5)  64 ounces of water every day. EVERY DAY.

Some of these won't be tough for me - the water and the weighing will be fine.  The other stuff will be a challenge, but so be it.

My fabulous friend makes these into a list on her blog, and she updates every day.  That's what I'll be doing also.  I'm an idea thief!

Starting tomorrow, there will be a post a day for then next 34 days.  That's a lot of work.  LOL

Happy Sunday!!!

Friday, June 4, 2010


I have a real problem with swearing.  I enjoy four-letter words far more than I should - I actually get a weird sense of satisfaction when I use one in a sentence.  This penchant, however, is generally not socially acceptable and it causes problems in professional environments and also around children.  The former reason is why, as a second-year med student, I told my friend Mike to charge me 25 cents every time I used the F word.  If I told him to charge me for every swear word I would be much deeper in student loan debt than I actually am, but I figured I had to start somewhere.  The F word seemed like the best starting point, as it was the one that raised the most eyebrows.  (I had not started using the C word at this point, otherwise that would have trumped the F word.)  Long story very short, at the end of a particularly frustrating day, I wrote Mike a check for $26.25.  Do that math.


The Good:  Hubs and I have discovered spaghetti squash!  Who knew a squash could be SO DAMN SPECIAL?

The Bad:  I have my period.

The Ugly:  I weighed 231.4 this week.  Don't forget that I was 223.8 2 weeks ago. 

Let's discuss these in order of importance, shall we?

Spaghetti squash!  Good Lord.  Go buy yourself a spaghetti squash, cut it in half, scoop out the seeds, bake it face down in about an inch of water on a cookie sheet at 450 for 45 minutes.  Let it cool, scrape the squash out, and serve it with spaghetti sauce or whatever you like your pasta with.  Because I will tell you, you can't tell the difference.  You can't!  I don't lie.  I couldn't lie about something as serious as pasta, because as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am a pasta LOVER.  But now that I've discovered spaghetti squash I doubt I'll ever make pasta again.  It's 42 calories for a cup of spaghetti squash.  COME ON.  AND two veggie servings?  BE STILL MY BEATING HEART.  (Yeah, I meant to use all of those caps.  I'm excited!)

My period.  Lovely.  My hands are puffy and I'm cramping a bit.  Oh, and I've been sensitive.  Ask Hubs.  Oh, and I think it had at least a little to do with my weigh-in.  Which brings me to... weigh-in.

Notice that my weigh-in is the least important thing here.  Please don't confuse this prioritization with apathy.  Here, let me explain.

Refer back to the story at the beginning of this entry.  That day I owed Mike $26.25 was clearly not a good day.  It was not a victory.  You might even say I failed, which I did.  I failed to keep a clean mouth.  I failed, so I was a failure, right?  Well...yeah.  It's the definition of the word.  So be it.  I didn't kick the crap out of myself, I just walked into class the next day and said, "Mike, you're not getting that much money from me today."  We laughed, and at this point I'm not sure how much I had to give him that day, but it definitely wasn't $26.25.  I didn't think about how many times I swore on that bad day, it didn't keep me up at night, it didn't make me feel like a loser, and I didn't hate myself.

So...BREAKTHROUGH!...why should my weight make me feel that way?  Does the fact that I gained 6 measly pounds actually matter in the grand scheme of things?  I mean, it sucks for my weight loss, no doubt.  But my pants still fit.  I still look good, because really, who the HELL sees 6 pounds?  No one.  Not even me. 

I'm 6 pounds heavier.  I'm not dumber.  I'm not a worse person than I was when I was 225.4.  I'm not less successful.  I don't have fewer friends.  My dog doesn't hate me.  My family isn't shunning me.

It's 6 pounds, folks.  It's not cancer.  So we move forward, tweak some things, and do better.

You ain't gettin' $26.25 from me ever again, world.  So enjoy your windfall, because it's coming to a screeching halt.

Happy weekend!!!  :)

Monday, May 31, 2010


I just ate a pint of ice cream.

Haagen Dazs Caramel Cone.  All 1120 calories and 70 grams of fat of it.  It's all in my belly.

Wanna know what else is in my belly?

An entire bag of Riceworks Sweet Chili brown rice crisps.  All 700 calories and 30 grams of fat.

Thank God I had corn on the cob and only 2 slices of Kashi Mediterranean pizza for lunch.  And spaghetti squash with marinara and a leafy green salad (no dressing) for dinner.

What's my problem?  It's my mind, that's the problem.  My vacation is coming to a close, and I know that tomorrow I have to get back on the wagon.  Eating a little more while Hubs and I were away wasn't so bad, given the amount and intensity of the activity we were doing every day.  But since Friday I've done nothing but paint our fence and get on the treadmill once.

NOW I'm a little worried for Friday.

All my fault though.  We move on, right?  Tomorrow's a new day.  Felt like I had to confess my "sins" somewhere though.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sweet Victory!

Folks, I have been jumping out of my seat for several days. has been just freakin' GLORIOUS.

You wanna know why?

Because on vacation, Hubs and I hiked the Tuckerman Ravine trail (one of the trails that leads to the summit of Mount Washington) up to the Hermit's Shelter for fun.  Yes...for fun.  We did a 2.4-mile rocky hike - 2.4 miles completely uphill, I should add - for shits and giggles.  We gained 1800 feet of elevation over 2.4 miles, which is pretty intense.  We did it for 3 reasons:  1) We're hiking to the summit of Mount Washington (4.2 miles - the remaining 1.8 miles after the Hermit's Shelter on the trail is straight up boulder-climbing) this August with Hubs' brother and a few of his friends.  2) It was a REALLY beautiful day and we knew the view from the top would be worth every step - plus, we had done a 2.5-mile hike with a 2100-foot elevation gain two days prior and were proud that we accomplished it.  We wanted more!  And 3) we wanted to see if we could beat our old time.  We hiked Tuckerman 2 years ago in a Mount Washington summit attempt.  I was 75 pounds heavier and hadn't exercised since college.  It took us 3.5 hours to get to the shelter, and took another hour or two to get one mile up the boulder climb.  A mile into that climb we had to turn back because it was getting too late - we weren't making good time.

We weren't making good time because I had to keep stopping.  I had to keep stopping because my body physically couldn't take the exertion.  I was wheezing, my muscles were aching, I was nauseous, I was dizzy.  Looking back, I have to say that it was a wonder I did as much as I did.  I told Hubs as we were hiking this time that the only thing that probably allowed me to even be able to hike for 6 or 8 hours straight was that I was really active and strong throughout high school and college.  My fat was hiding a pretty good amount of muscle.  This may be all that helped me, but I guess I'll never know.  Because God knows I wasn't working out or training or anything up until that point.  And that wasn't the only hike we'd done...I'd been able to complete some pretty tough ones when I was a chubbly gal.  But the Tuckerman Ravine hike was the one that broke me.  LOL

This time?

2 hours, 10 minutes.  An entire hour and 20 minutes shaved off our time from 2 years ago.  Holy shit...I can't express to you how thrilled I was.  Really!!!  At the beginning of the hike I said to Hubs, "I'm going to say this will take us 3 hours," and that was my mindset.  I stuck to that.  As we were hiking, Hubs was checking his altimeter, saying, "We're getting closer..."  At one point he said, "The shelter should be right around this corner."  I said, only half-joking, "Mike, don't lie, please.  We have an hour to go."  And he said, "No we don't."

I turned the corner and saw the most amazing sight in the world for that moment.  The shelter.  In all of its pine tree-surrounded, blue skied, snowy peaks everywhere glory.  I laughed.  It was pure joy for me right then.  My mouth hung open for about a full minute, and I was just giddy.  I turned to Hubs and said (and pardon my French please...take it in the spirit in which is was intended), "I am f*cking tickled pink right now."

And I was.  And I was proud as hell.  We did a really intense that I had associated with no good memories...simply for the fun, for the effort, for the view.  No other reason.  And it was SO FUN.  We laughed on our way up, we joked around, we enjoyed the scenery.  Hubs said, "When we go home, look at the pictures and watch the videos from this hike two years ago so you can see how miserable you were then.  This is a great victory for you, beautiful."

He was so right. 

Stay Friday is my post-vacation weigh-in!  I ate a lot on vacation, but we hiked HARD for about 4-5 hours a day.  I'm not worried.

Happy holiday weekend!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Late Again!

I'm late posting about my Friday weigh-in again, but that's because I'm lazy.  ;)  Friday morning I woke up feeling puffy and bloated thanks to my period, so I didn't expect much when I got on the scale.  Good thing, because I was 225.4.  Ugh!  1.4 pounds up from last Friday, although to be fair, I ate like a cow last weekend.  But also, I was feeling more bloated than usual because of my period, so I decided to hydrate really well all day ad stay away from sodium as much as I could.  Then I re-weighed myself on Saturday morning with much better results.  I always get on the scale three times for an accurate number, and on Saturday morning I got 223.8, 220.6, and 217.6.  Three REALLY different numbers, so I decided to stick with the 223.8 for my official number.  Not fantastic, but it's still a loss from last Friday!  I know it's not much, only 0.2, but it's something.  I guess I won't be meeting my mini-goal of under 220 before we leave for vacation on Wednesday, but I'm not going to complain.  I feel amazing and I look damn good!  LOL

On Friday I fit into a pair of linen pants (with NO stretch) that I've never been able to fit into before.  Two weeks ago I tried them on and they zipped and buttoned, but I didn't feel really comfortable in them.  On Friday they fit beautifully.  I love this.

Happy Sunday!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Fat Fingers

Oh my.  I am retaining so much water!  But first, my official weigh-in on Friday gave me a weight of 224.  Not bad!  It's certainly not a huge loss, but it's a loss nontheless and I'll take it.  Especially considering that I ate quite a bit of food the weekend before, and a little bit into the week.  Most notably, I had ice cream two days in a row - Sunday and Monday, and Monday I had a delicious pasta dinner at my in-laws.  But that's all over now, and I dropped 0.2 pounds.

Now, this Friday I may not be so lucky.  Here's the thing.  On Friday, it was someone's last day at work and some "kind" soul brought in a tray of muffins.  I truthfully only had about a 2-inch piece of a muffin.  That was very good.  Hubs and I went out for dinner later that night, but I didn't overindulge too badly.

Saturday, however, was my sister's 18th birthday.  Big day!  So big, in fact, that I celebrated with a bagel for breakfast, pizza and French fries for lunch, the biggest piece of thickly-iced birthday cake that you ever did see, and then I came home to enjoy some Doritos and another little bit of birthday cake. 

This morning I woke up and my engagement and wedding rings are barely moving.  LOL  I feel gross, but not gross enough to not have a piece of cake for breakfast, plus some Doritos at around 9:30 AM.  Who does that?  Really, who eats Doritos in the morning?  I do, apparently.  And I can't believe I offered to take a piece of cake home with us yesterday!  Gosh, how ridiculous.  It's just so damn good.

Today we'll be celebrating Mother's Day with my in-laws (yesterday we celebrated with my mom), and said celebration will include an Italian feast and dessert of some kind.

We all have to live a little, right?  I may not be thrilled on Friday, but it is what it is.  Life happens, and sometimes I want to enjoy it with food.  So sue me.  ;)

Friday, April 30, 2010

Taste o' Lard

Well, I have done it again.  It seems miraculous!  I'm down 1.2 lbs this week to make me a not-so-obese 224.2.  Victory!  In case you've forgotten, my mini-goal is to be under 220 for our May vacation.  This gives me 20 days to lose 4.3 lbs, which is just about 1.5 lbs a week.  It's a tall order, but not unreasonable, so I hope I can make it.

Now onto the good stuff...

Today I did something that I have never done.  Never.  Never ever, as in, never in my whole life.  Are you ready?

I threw away half of a brownie.

I know, folks...I know.  Try to breathe.  Breeeeeathe.

Here's what happened.  I had an awesome day today for reasons I can't quite go into yet lest it backfire on me.  But anyway, it was a good day.  So what did I do?  Well, I decided that I was going to give myself a food treat.  (Which, by the way, I think is perfectly, perfectly acceptable.  It's no more damaging to treat yourself with a cookie than it is to treat yourself with a massage.  I just don't see food as my enemy anymore.)  I went to a Borders that was by the spa where I get my pedicures - another exciting part of my day.  I LOVE my monthly pedicures!  I planned on reading, but I definitely wanted a chocolate-y pastry of some sort first.

When I got up to the register, the brownies looked more chocolate-y and yummier than the cookies, so I went with that.  Oh, but before I go into my brownie experience, let me tell you what I witnessed.  There was a very homely, kind of wreck-y, older woman in front of me ordering a latte.  The boy at the counter asked if she wanted regular or sugar-free syrup.  The woman contemplated this for a moment and then, with a huge sigh, said mournfully, "Ohhhh...I'll go with regular........"  And kind of trailed off.  It was so weird.  Then he asked if she wanted full-fat, 2%, or skim milk.  She did the same sigh and again in a said, forlorn voice, said, "Ohhhhh....full-fat, I guess......"  Pause.  "Sometimes you just have to go all the way to get the flavor...."  Sigh.  It was like listening to Eeyore.  Seriously.  Just order your sugary, fatty drink and own it.  Period.  If you want it, you want it.  Just drink it.  If you feel that guilty about it, then don't.  It'll just torture you later.  And don't make excuses for what's going in your mouth to perfect strangers.  That's a sure sign you're going to hate yourself in about 15 minutes when all that's left are the crumbs.

So ANYWAY.  I marched up to the couter and said, "I want that brownie right there," and I pointed to the one that was the biggest and had the most chocolate chunks in the top.  When the boy gave me my bag I was pleased to feel the heft - this was going to be a spectacular brownie.

I went and found a chair in a quiet corner where I could enjoy my newly-purchased yumminess and read a magazine.  The first thing I noticed when I took the brownie out of the bag was that it was slippery.  That might gross some people out, but to me, slippery = buttery, so I was excited.  (Hey, I like butter.  I was almost 300 pounds last year...of course I like butter.)  I couldn't wait to bite into it and get a buttery, chunky mouthful.


What I got was a lard-y, completely unchunky mouthful.  Those chocolate "chunks" on top were deceiving because they were paper thin, and that brownie tasted like goddamn Crisco.  I took one more bite to make sure my mouth wasn't playing a trick on me; when I got that lard taste again, I knew I had to stop. 

But here's what's weird.  A few months ago I would have just kept eating that brownie, lard or not.  I would've justified it by telling myself I paid for it, so I shouldn't waste it.  (A whopping $2.09!!!  *GASP*  There are starving children in China!  Whatever.  It's two bucks, not a life's fortune.)  I would've eaten the whole damn thing, and then afterward I would have been totally and completely disgusted.  I would have been full of Crisco and I would have hated myself, but I still would have eaten it.  Because that's what food addicts do - we eat food that's dropped on the floor, that's too salty, that's too bland, that's too cold, that's too hot.  We have no discrimination whatsoever.  It's food?  Then it belongs in our stomachs.  Period.

Not anymore, folks.  Because I threw away half a brownie today.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Almost Forgot!

Friday came and went and I forgot to post the results of my weigh-in!  I am down to 225.4; that's 72.8 lbs down from my high weight of 298.2  Ain't that some sh*t.

You know, it's funny...I never realized how crappy I felt when I weighed that much.  I didn't notice it until after I'd lost about 30 pounds.  Then I kept thinking to myself, Good were a mess.

I couldn't walk up the stairs without getting winded or having the muscles in my legs hurt.  I'm not talking about a lot of steps, either - I'm talking about the 15 or so that are in our house.  At one of the hospitals where I worked, there was a shuttle to take you from the parking lot to the hospital entrance.  I took that shuttle every day.  I would wait 15 minutes for it if I had to but I certainly wouldn't think of walking, because if I did I would be sweaty by the time I got to the door, even if it was 50 degrees out.  Now when I'm at work (at a different facility), and the guy in the tram stops as I'm walking to the door - a good 10-minute walk, by the way - I tell him, "No, it's okay, I'll walk."  And I'm so grateful for the exercise and the fresh air, and I'm so happy that my body can do it.  It's as if I know that I can do it, so I should.  And that's so awesome.

Some of my shoes used to hurt my feet.  I told myself that they were lousy shoes, but really it was just that either 1) my feet had gotten too chunky for them or 2) there was just too much damn weight pressing down to wear those shoes and be comfortable.  Try teetering around on 3.5-inch Kate Spade high heels when you're almost 300 pounds.  The heels of those shoes are tiny little areas...I don't think they're meant to support that much weight.  I'm picturing a stick trying to support a boulder...  I wonder why they didn't snap in half.  (Now they feel wonderful.  You get what you pay for!)

I had a bag of clothes I was going to donate, and I added to the bag weekly.  Shirts that were too short, too small, too "tuggy", or "just not right anymore".  I kept marveling over how they'd all shrunk in the dryer somehow, despite the fact that I'd been washing and drying them for months.  But all of a sudden they shrunk.  Of course.  That had to be it, because it definitely couldn't have been the fact that I was just too fat to wear them anymore.

The lies we tell  We're so self-protective sometimes that it's astonishing.  Anyone on the outside would be saying, "Psst, Nicole...the reason you can't fit into that large t-shirt is because you weigh 300 pounds.  You need an extra large, darling."  But I was saying, "No, really!  Gap is just making their clothes smaller!!!"


Happy weekend!!!  :D

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Ugly Truth

I can't lie to you.  I am HUNGRY today.  I woke up hungry, which is really not something I ever do.  I usually wake up just wanting coffee, and the whole breakfast thing doesn't even hit me until about 2 hours later.  But today I woke up with a growling stomach.  Like, for real.

I'm trying to figure out why but I haven't so far.  Hubs and I did go out for dinner last night, and I did leave stuffed, which didn't make me all that happy.  But no matter, it's just one meal.  The point is, usually when I've had a big dinner I'm even less hungry for breakfast the next day.

Could it be because it's that time of the month?  Sure, I suppose.  Happens to a lot of women.  It has not, however, been something that typically happens to me.  I'll find myself wanting certain kinds foods more, like salty things, but I'm not really hungrier.  Today though, the hunger is not my friend.

Despite this, I've done very well.  I even came home and ran for 30 minutes even though I detested the idea.  I had a yummy Purple Monster after working out, and I've got an Amy's Vegetable Lasagna in the oven right now that will be done in 30 minutes.  (Our microwave is being shipped.  Hallelujah!) This is all wonderful, so let me not tell you that there were maybe two handfuls of sour cream and onion chips (loaded with MSG) in the pantry, and they were screaming my name so loud I thought I was psychotic, so I ate them.  Let me not tell you that.  It's not going to ruin my day - I keep my calorie count from 1200-1500, and I will end up closer to 1500 today than 1200.  So it's not going to kill me.  But that behavior...that stupid, instant gratification kind of behavior...I've got work to do.

Damn you, addicted brain!!!  Damn you!

(Happy Wednesday!)

The lovely and successful Barbara over at The Pound-a-Week blog was kind enough to comment on my before and after photos.  You're super sweet, Barbara.  :)  Thank you!!!  And I'm glad you like it over here in my tiny little blog world, because I like it in yours as well.  Thanks for the feel-good motivated me to post today!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Before and After

Okay...before I post these, I just have to say that I can't believe these hideous pictures of me are going to be floating around in cyberspace.  LOL  I don't think this post needs a whole lots of words, because the pictures surely speak for themselves.

This picture was actually taken AFTER I started my diet. I think I was about 265 here - July 2009.  I almost barfed when I saw this picture.  LOL

These pictures were taken 7 months earlier on Christmas Eve, 2008.  I was tipping the scales at 298 here, and I'm sure I floated over into the 300 range at some point.

Do you love my fat arm?  LOL  I've had 4 links taken out of my watch since then.

And that's my beautiful sister with me, though she looks much more foxy today.  She's very rock and roll!

And here's the after, at 227.2:

The first three photos are very similar, but I liked them all for different reasons.  The first one I liked because it shows my almost-skinny arm holding the camera.  LOL  The second one I liked because it shows my much skinnier (and stronger!) legs.  And the last one shows my great boobs, but the picture quality takes away from that a bit.  ;)  I had to take them all myself because Hubs wasn't around, so I'm sorry they couldn't be better!  I'll have to get some newer ones soon.  Definitely when we go on vacation next month - and I have a new mini-goal to be under 220 by then.  :)

The last picture was taken maybe 2 or 3 months ago, but there was only a few pounds difference.  I thought it was a good pic to show that my face isn't nearly as disgustingly chubbly as it used to be!  LOL

Oh, and you know what's awesome?  I showed Hubs those before pictures of me, most notably the one of my in the bathing suit.  I blew it up really big on my computer too.  LOL  And you know what he said?

"That's okay, you still looked nice.  And look at your boobs!"

While the last comment may be very typical for a man, the first comment is the one that speaks volumes about my husband.  He is accepting of so much, and he looks so much deeper than just the physical.  And he's gorgeous!!!  I think I'll keep him.  ;)

4 links out of my watch, 6 inches off the waist of all of my pants, and 4 notches over on my belt.  I'm doing okay.  :)

Happy weekend!

Friday, April 16, 2010


I'm lazy because I'm not putting up pictures!  LOL  Gosh, that's so time-consuming.  Also, it's a little tough for me right now...  I'm working in a state prison this month and can't take any electronics in with me, not even my cell phone.  So I can't photograph anything I eat there.  :(  I'll have to resume next month, maybe...but I'm also thinking that I should stop posting the food I eat.  It kind of takes the focus off of what this lifestyle change is supposed to be all about, because it's NOT all about the food.  It's about feeling healthy and happy, and living a different life than the one I was living a year ago.  I think the focus needs to be taken away from the food a little bit!  With that said though, I do still record my food in the LoseIt! app on my iTouch so that I can keep track of my calories.  (Calorie-counting works for me...I know some people hate it, but I love it!)  And shouldn't that be enough?  I'm thinking so.

In any case, I'm down to 227.2 this week!  That's a 2-pound loss.  I'm going to post before and after pics this weekend, so that'll be fun.  ;)

Happy Friday, folks!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Purple Monster

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to blog tonight!  That's because I took Emily's idea for a Green Monster and tweaked it a bit and came up with a Purple Monster!  I never saw a Green Monster recipe that looked appealing in any way to me until I came across Emily's.  I'm not a big strawberry fan but knew I could substitute blueberries, which I love.  Anyway, we'll get there.  ;)


Plus coffee for 225 calories.  The eggs were kind of grody today...LOL  Hard-boiled eggs certainly are a great protein source and they're super convenient for my commute, but they're were really nasty for me today.

Lunch was boring, but I'm working in a prison this month and it's a real pain in the ass to bring a big lunch in, so I just don't.  But the bonus is that I really love these protein bars!  I look forward to them...they're yummy.

My commute snack:

Okay.  The Purple Monster was SO. GOOD.

1 big handful of spinach (2 cups?)
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 medium-sized banana
1 cup unsweetened almond milk (Wish we had the unsweetened vanilla for this, but I picked up the wrong container!)
Ice to the top of the blender

This tasted like banana and blueberry, in that order!  The spinach taste was non-existent.  Hubs even liked it, and listen...Hubs is WEIRD when it comes to food.  He is totally, TOTALLY picky about tastes and textures.  I begged him to try the Purple Monster and he took a tiny sip from my glass (only after asking what the ingredients were... ;) )...and then asked for his own!  I was proud of him.  :)  But it also goes to show you how non-weird this tasted! 

The Purple Monster has 240 calories and is extremely filling.  I don't need dinner after mine, that's for sure.  Maybe a snack though.  ;)  Today I read that only 9% of Americans get in the recommended 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables daily.  The Purple Monster has 4 by itself!

So excited to find a new food!!!  And so easy and packed with nutrients.

Along with an extra coffee today, I'm at a total of 857.  Eeek!!!  Must have a snack tonight...a muffin, perhaps.  And maybe a piece of chocolate.  ;)


Sunday, April 11, 2010

It's Over Already?

In our household, the weekends fly by.  Monday comes too quickly...I feel like Hubs and I just live for the weekends!

Okay, food.  Today wasn't too bad, suprising given that it was a weekend day!  I didn't count calories, per se, but I ate fairly well.

Breakfast was an egg white omelette with peppers, onions, broccoli, and mushrooms, and some home fries.  Today was Diner Breakfast Sunday!  I love diner breakfasts.  This was delicious!  So delicious, in fact, that I forgot to photograph it until I was almost finished.  ;)

Lunch was a bit tougher than breakfast.  A sad, sad thing happened in our lives today - the microwave broke!  Hubs and I were extremely busy around the house this morning after breakfast.  We cleaned out the attic a bit, I cleaned our entire bedroom (like, including dusting the wasn't just a little tidy job) and did like 5 loads of laundry or something stupid, and Hubs and his dad did some repairs outside on our back deck and fence.  It was 1:45 when I realized I was SO ready for lunch.  I was starving!  Didn't even realize it.  So I grabbed an Amy's Veggie Lasagna and stuck it in the microwave for 5 minutes.  And after 5 came out cold.  WTF.  At that point, Hubs exclaimed, "It all makes sense now!  My coffee was cold after I put it in the microwave this morning for a minute."

Oh, you have got to be KIDDING me.  No microwave?  I don't cook!  What the hell am I supposed to do?  I got frantic.

"What am I going to do?  I'm trying to lose weight!  How am I going to lose weight if I can't make stuff in the microwave?"  I was practically yelling.  I must have been quite ridiculous...not having a microwave isn't the end of my eating as I know it.  It's just that a fair share of what I eat is made in the microwave (steamed broccoli, any frozen things, etc.), and it would be a huge adjustment if it wasn't there.  And anyway, the reason it was kind of a big deal in the first place is that we have one of those built-in microwaves.  It's not just sitting on our counter where we can just replace it.  Replacing our microwave is going to be a three-man job.  Hubs assured me that we can get a microwave and just leave it on the counter and use it from there until his dad comes over to help us mount it.  I'm scared...but I can handle it.

I decided to use the oven to heat my veggie lasagna.  The only problem there is that I was STARVING, and the microwave would've taken 7 minutes as opposed to 50 in the oven.  But I wanted that veggie lasagna, damn it, and I was going to have it.  So I pre-heated that baby and waited.

And waited....and waited.  And got hungry.  And got crabby.  And waited.  Then the oven was pre-heated, so I set the timer for 35 minutes, stuck my food in, and waited some more.

And then I thought, "Hmmmm, I'll have a few chips."

And I did.  A handful to keep me from ripping the throat out of the nearest living being.

Here's the lunch I waited so long for:

It tasted a whole lot better than it looked!  It was really delicious.  Hubs and I even went to the groceery store so I could buy more.  (Well, we really went for diet iced tea for Hubs, but I was happy to get more of these!)

By the time dinner rolled around a few hours later, we were both exhausted.  We decided to order a small pizza with no cheese, only a little bit of sauce and lots of peppers, onions, and broccoli.

This was like God's gift to me.  It really was.  It was amazing.  Hubs ordered some garlic knots, which I refused to partake of.  Until the end of the meal, of course, when I had two very small ones.  SOAKED in oil.  And you know, I don't regret it, because I was satisfied like I have never been.  Delicious!

I snacked on 3 or 4 Harry and David Bing Chocolate Cherries today.  I may or may not have a 150-calorie sugar-free muffin tonight.  We'll see how it goes. 

The only reason I'm grateful for Monday is that it's SO much easier to eat a little cleaner during the week.  But hey, we gotta live a little.  90/10.  Friday will be fine.  ;)

Goodnight all!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Could Have Been Worse, Right?

Ahhhh, the weekend.  A time for sleeping in, reading, relaxing, doing all the fun things you can't do during the week.  Oh, and eating.  If you're me. 

I had great aspirations today.  Hubs and I made the 90-minute commute to visit my parents, sister, and brother, and with me I brought my L.L. Bean lunchbag full of acceptable foods - a Greek yogurt, an apple, blueberries, granola, and a Kashi bar should I run into some emergency.  Isn't that wonderful?  Let me tell you how my day went instead.

Breakfast was a very small piece of a cheddar cheese bagel Hubs picked up on the way.  I wanted to try it, so instead of trying it AND having my yogurt when I got to my parents', I decided to have a little piece for my breakfast.  Good choice - it was what my body (and mind) wanted, and I was satisfied.

It was good!  Worth every calorie.  I'm not sure how many that would be, but I didn't do much counting today.  (And hey, notice how skinny my thigh is there! Holla!)

Hubs and I were having a good time hanging out at my parents' when I started getting a little hungry around lunchtime.  When we go to my parents', we ALWAYS go out for lunch.  Our favorite place is a great little pizza place.  That's where I wanted to go - I weighed the decision in my mind and tried to decide if I could go without feeling guilty.  I decided I could, and I enjoyed lunch without feeling bad.

I decided to start out with a side salad, though no one else did, because I wanted to get in some veggies.  The salad had Iceberg and Romaine lettuces, cucumbers with the skin (love that), tomatoes, and shredded carrots.  I asked for balsamic vinegar and olive oil on the side and only drizzed about a half a tablespoon of oil and maybe a tablespoon of vinegar on the salad.  I thought I would do the fork-dipping method, but they actually brought out glass bottles of each instead of mixing it in a little dressing thingy.

We had a thin-crust, whole wheat dough pizza, very easy on the cheese, and I had mushrooms on my pieces (more veggies!).  Each piece of pizza at this place is about half the size of a normal piece of pizza elsewhere; I estimate that I had the equivalent of 3 slices of pizza.  (You see, that sounds better than saying I had six of these.)  I could have stopped eating about 4 pieces into it, but it was good and I didn't want to stop.  Not exactly admirable.

After this, I was feeling full but not grody.  Weirdly content, actually, though that's probably not healthy.  Hubs, my brother, and my sister piled into Hubs' car to head back to my parents', who drove separately.  Everything was fine until Hubs said, "Is there anywhere I can get some ice cream?"


Of course, Hubs.  As a matter of fact, there is an amazing dairy not 15 minutes away that we just happen to LOVE going to.  And while I certainly don't need the ice cream, I'll get some.  And I'll go all the way.

Behold my scoop of chocolate peanut butter ice cream topped with peanut butter, hot fudge, and whipped cream.  Well, you can't behold it because I forgot to photograph it before I ate it, probably because I was too excited to dive into that lovely fat pool.  And what I actually photographed was my brother's empty ice cream dish.  Mine still had about a half a cup of ice cream left, which I gratefully didn't force down my gullet just because it was there.

After this travesty, I declared to Hubs, "I'm so full.  I'll just have a yogurt later if I get hungry and call it a day.  Then today won't be so bad."


On the way home, Hubs decided he had to pee.  In Wawa.  And he also needed to get a snack.  I apparently needed to pass the pastry display, and I apparently needed to buy this caramel-covered, cream-filled donut:

It was really good.  I can't even lie.

So, that was all pretty disgusting.  About 3 hours after all of this gluttony, I was hungry again.  Of course I was - I hadn't eaten anything worth a damn.  All of those high-glycemic index foods were messing up my body and my stomach felt empty.  I was reaching for a piece of chocolate in our kitchen when I stopped myself and said to Hubs, "Should we just make some dinner?"

And here it is - couscous with some Moroccan sauce, chicken, and dried apricots, courtesy of Target's Archer Farms brand boxed dinners.  Suprisingly, the ingredient list was short and the nutrition profile wasn't horrific.  Hubs and I are big fans of Archer Farms.

That looks like an enormous amount but it's so not.  It's only about a cup of couscous and maybe a half cup of the other stuff.

Oh...and I didn't exercise today.

So wasn't exactly a victory.  But the nice thing was that I didn't feel completely out of control at any point.  I certainly made some poor choices, but I didn't feel like I was mindlessly scarfing down food or getting into any crazy shoving-food-in-my-mouth behaviors.  So tomorrow I'll be back on track, and I'll get in extra exercise to make up for what I didn't do today.  And hey, 90/10 works as long as it's really 90/10 and not 70/30, 60/40, etc.  I don't anticipate this ruining my weigh-in next Friday so long as I hop back on that damn wagon.  ;)

Happy Saturday!