Well, I have done it again. It seems miraculous! I'm down 1.2 lbs this week to make me a not-so-obese 224.2. Victory! In case you've forgotten, my mini-goal is to be under 220 for our May vacation. This gives me 20 days to lose 4.3 lbs, which is just about 1.5 lbs a week. It's a tall order, but not unreasonable, so I hope I can make it.
Now onto the good stuff...
Today I did something that I have never done. Never. Never ever, as in, never in my whole life. Are you ready?
I threw away half of a brownie.
I know, folks...I know. Try to breathe. Breeeeeathe.
Here's what happened. I had an awesome day today for reasons I can't quite go into yet lest it backfire on me. But anyway, it was a good day. So what did I do? Well, I decided that I was going to give myself a food treat. (Which, by the way, I think is perfectly, perfectly acceptable. It's no more damaging to treat yourself with a cookie than it is to treat yourself with a massage. I just don't see food as my enemy anymore.) I went to a Borders that was by the spa where I get my pedicures - another exciting part of my day. I LOVE my monthly pedicures! I planned on reading, but I definitely wanted a chocolate-y pastry of some sort first.
When I got up to the register, the brownies looked more chocolate-y and yummier than the cookies, so I went with that. Oh, but before I go into my brownie experience, let me tell you what I witnessed. There was a very homely, kind of wreck-y, older woman in front of me ordering a latte. The boy at the counter asked if she wanted regular or sugar-free syrup. The woman contemplated this for a moment and then, with a huge sigh, said mournfully, "Ohhhh...I'll go with regular........" And kind of trailed off. It was so weird. Then he asked if she wanted full-fat, 2%, or skim milk. She did the same sigh and again in a said, forlorn voice, said, "Ohhhhh....full-fat, I guess......" Pause. "Sometimes you just have to go all the way to get the flavor...." Sigh. It was like listening to Eeyore. Seriously. Just order your sugary, fatty drink and own it. Period. If you want it, you want it. Just drink it. If you feel that guilty about it, then don't. It'll just torture you later. And don't make excuses for what's going in your mouth to perfect strangers. That's a sure sign you're going to hate yourself in about 15 minutes when all that's left are the crumbs.
So ANYWAY. I marched up to the couter and said, "I want that brownie right there," and I pointed to the one that was the biggest and had the most chocolate chunks in the top. When the boy gave me my bag I was pleased to feel the heft - this was going to be a spectacular brownie.
I went and found a chair in a quiet corner where I could enjoy my newly-purchased yumminess and read a magazine. The first thing I noticed when I took the brownie out of the bag was that it was slippery. That might gross some people out, but to me, slippery = buttery, so I was excited. (Hey, I like butter. I was almost 300 pounds last year...of course I like butter.) I couldn't wait to bite into it and get a buttery, chunky mouthful.
What I got was a lard-y, completely unchunky mouthful. Those chocolate "chunks" on top were deceiving because they were paper thin, and that brownie tasted like goddamn Crisco. I took one more bite to make sure my mouth wasn't playing a trick on me; when I got that lard taste again, I knew I had to stop.
But here's what's weird. A few months ago I would have just kept eating that brownie, lard or not. I would've justified it by telling myself I paid for it, so I shouldn't waste it. (A whopping $2.09!!! *GASP* There are starving children in China! Whatever. It's two bucks, not a life's fortune.) I would've eaten the whole damn thing, and then afterward I would have been totally and completely disgusted. I would have been full of Crisco and I would have hated myself, but I still would have eaten it. Because that's what food addicts do - we eat food that's dropped on the floor, that's too salty, that's too bland, that's too cold, that's too hot. We have no discrimination whatsoever. It's food? Then it belongs in our stomachs. Period.
Not anymore, folks. Because I threw away half a brownie today.